Pentecost and Today’s News

Went to church for the first time in a long while, where several 14 year olds were getting “confirmed”– a process I was never subjected to but might have actually enjoyed as a kid. It happens to also be Pentecost Sunday, which is the day the Holy Spirit descended on the disciples and they famously could speak in tongues. If you had asked me what Pentecost was before the Service I would have made a bad guess and even now I’m only marginally sure how to spell it.

I learned a few things today, such as that the Holy Spirit, linguistically speaking, is without a doubt feminine. There are many (valid) reasons to debate whether God should be referred to in the masculine but there is no question that the words in Hebrew and Greek that are used to describe the Holy Spirit are feminine. Pentecost, the minister told the young confirmands, is emblematic of Christianity– to be so taken with the Holy Spirit that outsiders will gossip Are They Drunk? It’s interesting to me that this holiday has no Hallmark cards or special candies, no traditional feasting to speak of– is known as “the church’s birthday.” So the Christian church was born in mysticism– feminine mysticism at that– a radically inclusive and dramatic flash of joyful connection– and now it’s anniversary year is celebrated so often as a footnote shrouded by often inhibited churchgoers in their Sunday best, who barely know their own neighbors let alone the people in the pew nearby. Where is the intrigue, the adventure in the re-telling of it all? So little surprises people anymore, is it a wonder there isn’t excited debate going on during “coffee and conversation” time each Pentecost Sunday?

I love the story of Pentecost as a Tower of Babel in reverse– suddenly people of all different backgrounds found a common language, a reason to connect, a hurrah in their hearts as the Holy Spirit descended on them all. There is perhaps no better example of the radical inclusivity of God’s love than this  particular testimony, and no better directive towards community and diverse assembly in doing His Work. We are called to talk to each other, despite sometimes seeming insurmountable differences.

Thinking in this light, it makes this tragedy all the more outrageous. Forget politics. Any theology that supports this murder is bullshit.

Because I’m Out of Practice on the Whole Blogging thing…

I’m writing even though I’m not really sure what I have to say.

It’s been a weird time in Seeing-the-Doctor-land. I’m on COBRA thru my old job but it’s stupidly expensive so I tried to apply for a cheaper self-employment health insurance and was rejected — on the grounds that I’ve seen a psychiatrist and taken an antidepressant. Apparently people who go to health care providers and follow their advice can’t get health care. Looking into my other options but Holy Frustration. In other news the Doctor was encouraging me to look into a group therapy option in addition to seeing her, but now that she knows I’m seeking health insurance she doesn’t want to do that lest I “seem sicker than” I actually am.” My initial reaction to the whole group therapy thing was one of mild panic, a why-am-I-not-just-cured-or-something feeling, just a sense of What Now. But then when suddenly the Doctor reversed course I’m ironically more frustrated not to be looking seriously at this option– suddenly it’s something that Might have been good for me that I’m not doing but only for a really stupid reason. So, instead of looking at a therapeutic option she’s suggesting I find a singles group, not a dating organization but some kind of SinglesWhoHike or StampCollectingSingles thing. This came out of my questioning a couple weeks back of what real progress I’ve made, my need to do/see something concrete. Of course, she sees progress I find invisible, or even feel guilty over– i.e, she considers my increased “disloyalty” to my family progress. When we were discussing this she implied that maybe I wasn’t feeling like therapy was the right thing right now and that panicked me more than all the rest. I don’t know how people decide that they “don’t need it” anymore but I guess I’d like to think I’d have a series of appointments that didn’t involve hopelessness or crying as a precursor to  considering such a thing. I guess, but don’t really know, that I’m in a stage of therapy that a lot of people go through– I’m not immediately in crisis or anything so I’ve had more time to process and thereby feel badly about a variety of things and the question becomes what to do with the information. The Doctor says that I missed a developmental stage, that I’ve been parentified and that I “parent” my family in a variety of ways, sacrificing my self in the process. I’ve actually started to wonder if, at some subconscious level, I’ve never had an intimate relationship because that would hurt/upset/discomfort my family. Screwed up. Got it. Now what?

In non-mental-health news, things have been overall better than I had expected. I’ve had enough work and been paid decently for it all– without feeling like I’m in constant stress every week. I finished a show last week that was well-received, I’ve managed to pay my bills, and at present I’m set till mid-June or so when school lets out. I’m a bit anxious to be losing that employment-safety-net of substitute teaching for the summer, and trying to think more seriously about what I really want both for the summer and after. With a friend of mine going into grad school it’s looking good that I could teach her classes at my OldHighSchool and make a decent living, especially on top of some other freelance projects and the Tech gig I’ve got at a private school now. But of course all that would keep me Here, with all the family issues and career direction confusion Here has. On the other hand, leaving presents a million other scary prospects of it’s own. I don’t want to turn away from a good oppotunity (should one arise) just because I’m afraid to step out of my comfort zone, I’m just struggling to figure out what exactly I want that’s worth taking such a risk. So. Don’t really feel like I’ve stepped forward, but the breathing room of I’m-in-Transition has been kind of nice.

Happy Birthday to Me

Having just been taken out to breakfast I’m doing my best to relax my morning away. Seeing the family later tonight and hoping to be able to just have fun and not struggle with them or myself for once. Looking back, 30 was a momentous year. This is still very much a transition but I’m more hopeful now that I feel like I went through some of the hard work of growing as a person this year that a payoff is coming. I’m definitely more relaxed overall these days– my stresses over work, for the moment, are far between enough to be more reasonable, and being in a more project-to-project situation keeps me from getting to emotionally overwrought over most things related to that. My finances should be in decent shape for the next couple months so I have some time to plan and figure out what’s Next after that.

With more space in my brain these days my thoughts have turned more to some of the work I’ve done with the Doctor, some of it being rather painful. I am honestly kind of surprised to have honed in on new things about my childhood at this stage of the game and I’ve been thinking a lot about what it all means and what I should do with the information as I go further in life. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn myself more and hopeful that it will be a very positive thing for my future.

BestNieceEver knows my name now and has lots to say about lots of things. I saw her this past weekend, and very excited to see her tonight as a new TWO year old. I cherish the time I have with her and feel that she was a great spot for me this challenging year.

The best things I did last year were quit my job and go on a trapeze 4 times. What will be the best things this year? I can’t wait to find out.

Tearjerker of the Day

But in a good way.

100 Questions

1) Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? My closet doesn’t have a door. If I had a closet with a door I would probably have it closed.

2) Do you take the shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Rarely

3) Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Usually out

4) Have you ever stolen a street sign before? No. I’ve never had any desire to whatsoever either.

5) Do you like to use post-it notes? Absolutely! Hooray for office supplies.

6) Do you cut out coupons, but then never use them? Sometimes

7) Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? Um, can I go with none of the above?

Do you have freckles? A couple

9) Do you always smile for pictures? Generally

10) What is your biggest pet peeve? Obnoxious behavior by performers during their curtain calls.

11) Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Sometimes.

12) Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes, long story

13) What about pooped in the woods? No

14) Have you ever danced even when there’s no music playing? Sure have

15) Do you chew your pens and pencils? Sometimes

16) How many people have you slept with this week? None

17) What size is your bed? Queen

18) What is your song of the week? Chain of Fools

19) Is it OK for guys to wear pink? People can wear whatever they want.

20) Do you still watch cartoons? Occasionally when I’m bored and there’s nothing else on.

21) What’s your least favorite movie? Congo

22) Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? I dunno, I don’t really own any land for burying things in

23) What do you drink with dinner? Too often a diet coke with lemon

24) What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Regular mustard

25) What is your favorite food? Mandarin oranges. Or macaroni salad. Or oatmeal raisin cookies.

26) What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Life is Beautiful, Akeela and the Bee, An American Tail

27) Last person you kissed/kissed you? BestNieceEver

28) Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes I was a Brownie and a Junior Girl Scout, but when we moved in sixth grade we couldn’t find an active troop around here

29) Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? No

30) When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone in the paper? I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter for a newspaper

31) Can you change the oil in a car? I’ve been taught a couple times but I’m not confident about it. It’s the kind of thing I instantly forget after I learn.

32) Ever gotten a speeding ticket? One

33) Ran out of gas? Too many times– at least 4 that I can think of

34) Favorite kind of sandwich? Veggie delite from subway

35) Best thing to eat for breakfast? fruit and yogurt

36) What is your usual bedtime? After 11 but before 2

37) Are you lazy? Not about most things

38) When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Pumpkin, Tinkerbell, Wizard, Clown, Heidi, Pirate

39) What is your Chinese astrological sign? Horse, which is sort of funny since I’m allergic to them

40) How many languages can you speak? Fluently? 1. I had a year or more of training in French, Spanish, Russian, and American Sign Language, but I’m not even approaching fluency in any of them.

41) Do you have any magazine subscriptions? No but I’ve been thinking of subscribing to Real Simple magazine because a kid I know’s scout troop is fundraising by selling magazines and I think I would actually read that

42) Which are better – Legos or Lincoln Logs? Legos. I think.

43) Are you stubborn? I have my moments.

44) Who is better – Leno or Letterman? Letterman. I think.

45) Ever watch soap operas? In late high school/early college (I think) I briefly got mildly into Days of Our Lives. I haven’t watched an episode in at least ten years.

46) Afraid of heights? Sometimes, but not much. Doing lighting so much got that out of me.

47) Sing in the car? Often

48) Dance in the shower? No, not much room for that and sounds kind of dangerous

49) Ever used a gun? No

50) Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? A portrait? College.

51) Do you think musicals are cheesy? Some are

52) Is Christmas stressful? Sometimes, but it also gives me a peace I don’t have much of the rest of the year

53) Ever eat a pierogi? Pretty sure

54) Favorite type of fruit pie? Peach

55) Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Writer, actor

56) Do you believe in ghosts? Sorta

57) Ever have a deja-vu feeling? Yes

58) Take a vitamin daily? No

59) Wear slippers? No. My brother-in-law got me Eeyore slippers once so I own them but…

60) Wear a bathrobe? Yes I have a pink and white terrycloth one.

61) What do you wear to bed? Depends but I have a lot of comfy pajama pants.

62) First concert? Billy Joel

63) Walmart, Target or Kmart? Target. There’s one near my apartment now and the uber-convenience of it all is rather staggering

64) Nike or Adidas? Oh whatever, it’s the same difference

65) Cheetos or Fritos? Fritos

66) Peanuts or sunflower seeds? Peanuts, usually

67) Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? No

68) Ever take dance lessons? Yes– tap, jazz, modern, ballet– but not a lot of it. Modern was my favorite.

69) Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Not really

70) Can you curl your tongue? Yes

71) Ever won a spelling bee? INo

72) Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Absolutely

73) Own any record albums? I think I technically own a record of Mary Poppins music that’s in my parents’ basement somewhere

74) Own a record player? No!

75) Regularly burn incense? No

76) Ever been in love? Not exactly

77) Who would you like to see in concert? Trans-Siberian Orchestra

78) What was the last concert you saw? Paul McCartney I think. Also almost 10 years ago

79) Hot tea or cold tea? Cold mostly

80) Tea or coffee? It varies

81) Sugar cookies or snickerdoodles? Sugar cookies, but I like oatmeal raisin better

82) Can you swim well? Yes

83) Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Um yes

84) Are you patient? I think I am extremely patient, but my patience in a lot of areas of my life has been tested recently so I feel like my fuse is shorter than it once was

85) DJ or Band at a wedding? Tough call but I guess a band. My sister’s wedding had a DJ and he was a tool, which annoyed me.

86) Ever won a contest? I’ve one little raffles here and there.

87) Ever have plastic surgery? No

88) Which are better, black or green olives? I have no idea

89) Can you knit or crochet? Neither

90) Best room for a fireplace? Bedroom would be pretty sweet

91) Do you want to get married? One day

92) If married, how long have you been married? N/A

93) Who was your HS crush? I had several crushes on several different guys and most of them never had any idea.

94) Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No

95) Do you have kids? No

96) Do you want kids? Yes

97) What’s your favorite color? Dark green

98) Do you miss anyone right now? Yes

99) Did you watch “Next Great American Band” on FOX? Never heard of it

100) Would you like other people to see your survey answers? Sure! That’s why I posted them here!

This is it

This is the week, one way or another, I need to move on. My Replacement starts tomorrow and I’m handing over my keys. There are a million stupid loose ends, projects half-done that I feel guilty leaving in her hands– but she is, after all, being paid for it and I won’t be. I am sad and resentful, and I’ve shouldered the worry about that place for so long it’s very hard to release it. I don’t regret quitting, I just regret the sadness I feel over it and the fact that I couldn’t change what I wished to change there.

I saw the Doctor today. I feel like I had the same conversation with her that I’ve been having for the past 15 years– the wtf is wrong with me conversation. I am ashamed– honestly, ashamed–  to be in this stage of life and never had so much as a boyfriend. It feels with each passing year that the shame in this intensifies. I want more. But my fear has always gotten in the way. Or that’s what She says, anyhow. With the Job slipping away and the Holidays over, I have more time to think and more space to feel, more space to notice my unhappiness. She seems to think if I could just get miserable enough I would take on that fear, take whatever risks are required to change my situation. She guesses that, outside of my very close friends no one would even see that I am “looking”– maybe I don’t know how to admit I’m looking because I can’t handle the chance that looking won’t make a difference, in the way that I can’t say I want to go to the gym more to lose weight because I can’t handle the commitment of saying that’s something that matters to me. I don’t think I was raised to want things for myself. I was raised to want things for other people. And to look down on anyone who wanted things as superficial as to look attractive, to get felt up, or to have attention. I’ve spent my life acting as though I were too fulfilled by so many other things to care about what wasn’t there. I don’t know how to invite anyone else in. If it all comes down to fear, why has it so paralyzed my life? And what possibility is there for it to be conquered?

So yeah. I have a little time on my hands now and it looks like wading through some pain will be part of it. I’m hoping some insight and change will come of it all, but I guess we’ll have to see.

A new year. And maybe a glimmer of stage 4?

Coming down from all the holiday-ness now. My replacement at the Job has been officially announced, so at long last it is SINKING IN. January will be a tight month financially, so nervous about that, but mostly just trying to sort out whatever it is I actually WANT now. Maybe my New Year’s Resolution should be simply to figure that out.

I’m not sure I trained enough for this particular marathon…

I love Christmas. And I have loved the Christmas-ness of this Christmas. Every night for the past week has been a joyous special thing that only the glittery soul of Christmas can create. My apartment is clean and sparkly with Christmas lights and candles and I’m hopeful that this little step of having a pleasing living space is a sign of more pleasing living to come.

Twice I visited my friends in the Christmas show I had been a part of for the 6 years prior. I miss it, and I miss them, but I guess it may be better in this season of change in my life to have had less of the running around that particular gig required. I needed the time. I mourn missing out on what was special there, in the same way I have mourned my leaving the Real Job– but I’ve been better for it, I’m sure.

I was part time through December 20th, and on that day a party was held in my honor. It was an odd collection of people but a very sweet little gathering that left me feeling cared for and more hopeful/less sad than I had expected. Not everything was done that needed to be done, so the loss was dulled by the fact that I still had my keys and a few files– it wasn’t like I wouldn’t be back. But I am coming to terms that I need to face this- finally, and really– and as I was driving around yesterday I found myself repeating aloud, “I don’t work there anymore. I don’t work there anymore…” My sleep has been filled with a sort of anxious self-loathing collection of dreams, in which I’m often late for appointments, unfairly accused of wrongdoing, and consumed with feelings of guilt. Apparently there is still shit to work out…

My week overall, however, as I mentioned before have been very special (if distracting,) and gratifying– but exhausting. An overview:

CHRISTMAS EVE

• I did my very gift bag/candy run and then saw the Christmas show. HIGHLIGHT: Playing Santa handing out candy to everyone and my friend C’s reaction to his Christmas present. LOWLIGHT: I miss them.
•  After a quick stop over at my parents’, I went to dinner with Soon- to- be- in- the- Navy-Cousin for Christmas Eve dinner, of which I only had time to eat a little bit before running off to be late for Church. HIGHLIGHT: Hanging out with Cousin. LOWLIGHT: There’s only so much I can take of one particular relative’s arrogant talk.
• Church. HIGHLIGHT: The music and candles made the rushing back worth it, and my Minister’s grabbing my arm on my way out to see if I was working and how I was made me feel noticed and cared for.
• Stopped back home and said hi to my landlord’s family, and then drove BACK to my parents, tossing presents under the tree and then sleeping in the guest bedroom upstairs. HIGHLIGHT:  Landlord’s son (who used to live in my apartment) was very impressed with my apartment, which I was so proud of . LOWLIGHT: I wanted to spend more time with them but it was hard not to feel like I was intruding on a family moment.

CHRISTMAS

• I got to sleep in and Sister, Brother-in-Law, and BestNieceEver showed up sometime in the early afternoon, better than last year. I got a cordless phone I’d been needing and knew I was getting. BestNieceEver wasn’t real interested in the whole sitting around opening presents thing but otherwise it was a fun time. My presents were well-received overall.  I had gotten BestNieceEver a magnadoodle and her first pair of jeans, both of which seemed to go over well. My dad seemed simultaneously mystified and impressed with his new iPod Shuffle and my mom has been reading the books I got her, so those seemed to have been a hit too. HIGHLIGHT: Playing Let’s-Throw-Wrapping-Paper-in-the-Air with BestNieceEver. LOWLIGHT: Brother-in-Law was freaking out about being late for the party with the other side of his family so he spent most of the time there looking at his watch.
• I headed back to my place in the evening and enjoyed a quiet night with my Landlords, exchanging presents and eating Christmas cookies. HIGHLIGHT: Peace and quiet.

FRIDAY

• Friday afternoon my friends J&J came over with their 3 kids and we had ice cream sundaes and played Apples to Apples. The kids seemed to enjoy the books I got for them but it was clear they weren’t as cool as the seven million other presents they’d gotten in the past few days. J&J are probably going to hate me for the Joke Book I got their middle child– she has taken to reading aloud from it nonstop and the jokes are, well, pretty bad. HIGHLIGHT: It was wonderful just to be with my friends.
• My parents came over later that evening before heading off to see the show I had gotten tickets for them to see, and then I was off to a Christmas party with the Christmas show people. HIGHLIGHT: My dad called me later just to say he loved the play. I rule!

SATURDAY

• The Big family party at my Dad’s Cousin’s house. HIGHLIGHT: BestNieceEver was the hit of the party. LOWLIGHT: My Great Uncle cried– he has lost 3 siblings and is so depressed… and no one really knew what to do.
• After I got back I turned around and went back out to see Urbanblight and some of our old friends from high school. HIGHLIGHT: It was great to talk to them. LOWLIGHT: I wanted more time, and one of our friends seems particularly depressed.

SUNDAY

• Sunday was my friends J&J’s daughter’s 13th birthday. HIGHLIGHT: The little time with them I had before running off to the next thing. LOWLIGHT: The holiday was really beginning to wear on my at this point.
• After that party I was off to a reunion of sorts for my high school at a local bar. HIGHLIGHT: Talking to people I really haven’t talked to for ten years. LOWLIGHT: Wishing my Life’s Transition wasn’t the main story I had to tell.

MONDAY

• Went back to the office and did a bunch of stuff I wasn’t paid for and won’t be sufficiently appreciated for. Cynical? Maybe. But it was my choice and I still feel if I hadn’t done it I’d be worried about those things.
• Sleep deprived and barely functional I did  something truly crazy. I had the kids I used to babysit– now 12 and 15!– to sleepover. We watched THREE episodes of Quantum Leap, played Scrabble and Apples to Apples, and I somehow managed to stay awake to just past midnight. HIGHLIGHT: They fell in love with my favorite TV show.

TODAY

• After the girls left I fell back asleep for several hours, despite really needing to tie up a bunch of loose ends at the (former) office of mine. OldBoss sent me an email officially announcing my Replacement, who had confidentially told me of their offer last week. Still sorting out how I feel about all that.
• Went off to a Holiday Dinner for a scholarship foundation that gave me an award in high school. HIGHLIGHT: Good food. LOWLIGHT: Not really having much to talk about to anyone, except the kid I used to babysit– who’s now more than a foot taller than me and in seminary school. I feel old.
• And now, back at my parents’, where BestNieceEver is sleeping over as well.

 

So yeah. Kinda tired. Somehow supposed to go to two parties TOMORROW too. We’ll see if the weather– and my stamina– cooperates.

Stage 3

I seriously just had an epiphany. This thing I’ve been doing? It’s bargaining.

And what will become of the NonProfits?

I am in my last “official” real weeks of being an employee of our favorite NonProfit, and the talk of the day is the economic mess. To be broke in a nonprofit isn’t really news, but what’s different is that the places out there– the For Profits and the Foundations– are all freaking out at once with financial woes of their own. Big news in our little circle is always whose gala had who at it and what auction items sold. Nonprofit groups host gala fundraisers with fancy food for exorbitantly priced tickets and then entertain their guests with silent auctions, live auctions, and (usually) a cash bar. Except who’s going to pay for $125-$200+ tickets these days? And no one can afford to spend money on an auction after they’ve put all that money down for a ticket, which basically just covers the chicken and the rented sound equipment.There are, of course, individuals who will pay exorbitant amounts of money out of loyalty to a particular cause, or in my observation, a particular individual who cares about a particular cause. Somehow spending money on an event seems to be a more personal way of supporting a friend than a straight donation to their organization. For instance, I have a friend who is Artistic Director of a theatre around here. They recently had a gala. It is unlikely, were I to receive an annual appeal letter in the mail, that I would write a couple hundred dollar check for this theatre (or honestly, any organization). But my buddy came to OUR gala last spring, and he’s really freaking awesome, and I actually do believe in the work he does– so I bought a ticket and attended, unable to bid much at all on auction items for fear I’d never make rent this month. It meant something to him, and I wanted to “help”– but I don’t think ultimately my type of loyal attendance-ship is what these type of events are really supposed to target. It would be better for me to send the $150 check directly and let them save the money on my pasta dinner…

These kinds of events are traditionally held together by corporate sponsors, who buy up tables and fill them with their employees and friends who happily consider getting drunk for a cause as a perk of their employment and bid up signed photographs of ball players “for the kids,” in many cases for organizations they have had little to no personal contact with themselves. But when times are tight– and scary– as they are now, the corporations don’t want to spend money on a party. They don’t have the ability to budget for additional charitable giving when they’re contemplating layoffs. So the funding stream runs dry here, as it already has in earned income categories as well as other kinds of foundation support.

So the question is, if the NonProfits’ business plans are all driven on the assumption that they will just get by (as many of them could only “just” do when times were supposedly good) through these types of funding that simply won’t be there now: what happens to all the social services they provide? What happens to the PEOPLE who depend on those services for support, enrichment, and basic livelihood?

But really, what can be done then?