Sick Day

I have a cold. I’ve been in bed most of today and have hit total boredom. Ever the workaholic, I’ve checked my work email a few times today, but managed not to do (much) actual work since I did after all call out.

My job is sort of a nightmare these days. It has often been that way, so I can’t even say that its more or less so than many other times in the past three years, but right now I’m at a low point in my ability to let things slide off my back. I know I need to leave, but I don’t know how, I’m struggling with when, and I’m absolutely terrified of what it will mean for my future– financially, career-wise, everything. It’s clear that the people who care most for me will probably want to throw a party when I finally find a way to walk away– but I have not yet figured out what it will mean for me. I find the whole situation utterly heartbreaking. I define myself by my work and for work to be such a constant source of anxiety is frankly tearing me apart.

I need a break.

Allergies

suck.

dangnabbit

it’s official, i have bronchitis. my doctor prescribed antibiotics, which have come in the form of the largest pills i have ever seen. i miss healthiness.

In the meantime my recent Crush, who i’ve been referring to as Michael Douglas for purposes of protecting the guilty, has been ignoring me. Or at least that’s what he appears to be doing. As the Doctor says, I date something like a 12 year old, so it is his lack of response to myspace comments and text messages that has me all melancholy.   In my defense, however, I actually have tried to CALL him twice in the past two weeks and he has not called back.

For a great period of my life I would have told that story with the disclaimer that it isn’t a big deal or that it’s a silly complaint. But what I’m really mourning these days, honestly, is that this lack of an Other in my life really IS a big deal. My singleness is my biggest hate in my life, the thing I find the most overwhelming, hopeless, and yes, shameful. Whatever accomplishments I have that I am proud of, the place I am in my life right now just takes me back, over and over again, to the fact that I will be 29 in 3 weeks and I have never had a boyfriend. I can’t fully articulate the pain this situation carries into my everyday life.  But it is so much hurt that denying and minimizing it seemed the only way to survive. And now I guess I am facing a crossroads in which I actually acknowledge how deeply this has driven into me but face a harsher question– what if I jump into this grief this way and still, nothing changes?

So, my Crushes. Be gentle with me.

Not Again

I sick again. This time its some kind of head cold– it’s difficult to determine whether I have more difficulty breathing out of my nose or my mouth at the moment. Sigh.

Part of this is probably my fault. Once I returned to work 10 days ago things were crazy getting ready for one of the most intense weeks of the year at my nonprofit. I worked overtime to make up for the 3 days I missed and then spent the week working more or less  10-12 hours a day, spending time with 25 strange kids no less.  Not very supportive of a healthy immune system.

Climbing the Walls

AARRGGGGHH!! This being sick thing is annoying. What do I do with myself?

It feels like morning cuz I just woke up

Hey people,

I’ve stumbled out of bed semi-upright and discovered I have enough of an attention span to type after a day and a half of mostly sleeping, whining, and worrying about all the things I’m neglecting. I caught the stomach bug from hell, and have stayed home from work the past two days, although I’ve managed to respond to a couple emails today. Bleh.

Without getting too deep into the gory details, I did make a discovery that bears some thinking. Stomach cramps can be made worse by anxiety. And an awful lot of things I think about produce anxiety. It’s actually HARD for me to go very long without thinking of something that makes my stomach muscles tighten.

Ucellina put up a good post a couple days ago about her guilty pleasure of lurking on right-wing websites– and while I agree it’s good to be informed, I think that that sort of thing tends to mess with me more than it empowers me. Chris Shinn once said in an article about one of my heroes, Jon Stewart, that he worried that Stewart encourages cynicism. The more informed I have become, the more cynical I have been about some things– and I will concede that cynicism softens some of the real pain I feel about the state of the world. Maybe it is good for my stomach muscles but not so good for the world.

On a more micro level, I work for a nonprofit that has had more than its share of problems for quite some time. A lot of it is financial, a lot of it is past abuses by people who have since moved on, and a good deal of it just comes down to conflicting personalities under constant pressure. I make a great deal of effort in my work to be a force for action and positive change, but there are times when things feel insurmountable, or when the actions of others just make me roll my eyes. And there are other times when reasonable people perceive a lack of action in myself and I feel overwhelmed and defensive– I try so hard that when things fail it can be debilitating. So I guess it makes sense that I would be anxious.

Sometimes it’s good to be sick and drop out of the world for a short period of time. I have been fighting against my breakneck lifestyle for so long, and sometimes horrible illness is the only mental freedom to be found. I hope that if I do go back to work tomorrow it will be a more Rested Me.

Yay light at the end of the tunnel

One more show this afternoon and I am done. Tomorrow night is the season premiere of 24. My little performers got me flowers tonight, which I generally protest against (at least against the public displays generally associated with them), but they are pretty beautiful and make my apartment look downright classy. Monday is a for-real actual day off, complete with friends over for ice cream sundaes. Yay Martin Luther King! And Ucellina was right, Claritin is freaking awesome and is the first thing yet to truly kick my hives’ ass.

So many reasons to celebrate. One way I plan on honoring the occasion of my impending relief (short term or not) is by blowing my accumulated $100 (!) in Barnes and Noble gift cards, along with another gift card for Olive Garden, as soon as possible. Any advice as to how I ought to direct these magical funds?

still scratching

I mean, trying not to.  I’ve stopped taking the offending medication, most likely going to the doctor again tomorrow to demand better relief. Sorry to bore you with my medical maladies, but it must be a change from my usual whining about work huh?

On that subject, I was pretty nonstop all day, but feel like I accomplished a thing or two. Still can’t wait for this stupid week to be over, my migrating malaise hasn’t made tech all that more pleasant. My young performers made it through the whole show tonight, and while there are still far too many details unaccounted for (like, say, half the costumes), I was happy to leave tonight feeling like they have a show. I like that moment when it can only get better.

On other subjects– John Edwards and Dennis Kucinich are both running for president again. That makes me pretty happy. Whether or not the people I like ever make it to the Oval Office– and let’s face it, Kucinich especially has never had good odds– I do find solace in knowing that there are voices of hope out there that manage to find their way to a microphone or two. I don’t like a lot of politicians, but I have some respect for them, and it’s a hard time to be living without respect for so many with great power these days.