Happy Birthday to Me

Having just been taken out to breakfast I’m doing my best to relax my morning away. Seeing the family later tonight and hoping to be able to just have fun and not struggle with them or myself for once. Looking back, 30 was a momentous year. This is still very much a transition but I’m more hopeful now that I feel like I went through some of the hard work of growing as a person this year that a payoff is coming. I’m definitely more relaxed overall these days– my stresses over work, for the moment, are far between enough to be more reasonable, and being in a more project-to-project situation keeps me from getting to emotionally overwrought over most things related to that. My finances should be in decent shape for the next couple months so I have some time to plan and figure out what’s Next after that.

With more space in my brain these days my thoughts have turned more to some of the work I’ve done with the Doctor, some of it being rather painful. I am honestly kind of surprised to have honed in on new things about my childhood at this stage of the game and I’ve been thinking a lot about what it all means and what I should do with the information as I go further in life. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn myself more and hopeful that it will be a very positive thing for my future.

BestNieceEver knows my name now and has lots to say about lots of things. I saw her this past weekend, and very excited to see her tonight as a new TWO year old. I cherish the time I have with her and feel that she was a great spot for me this challenging year.

The best things I did last year were quit my job and go on a trapeze 4 times. What will be the best things this year? I can’t wait to find out.

I’m not sure I trained enough for this particular marathon…

I love Christmas. And I have loved the Christmas-ness of this Christmas. Every night for the past week has been a joyous special thing that only the glittery soul of Christmas can create. My apartment is clean and sparkly with Christmas lights and candles and I’m hopeful that this little step of having a pleasing living space is a sign of more pleasing living to come.

Twice I visited my friends in the Christmas show I had been a part of for the 6 years prior. I miss it, and I miss them, but I guess it may be better in this season of change in my life to have had less of the running around that particular gig required. I needed the time. I mourn missing out on what was special there, in the same way I have mourned my leaving the Real Job– but I’ve been better for it, I’m sure.

I was part time through December 20th, and on that day a party was held in my honor. It was an odd collection of people but a very sweet little gathering that left me feeling cared for and more hopeful/less sad than I had expected. Not everything was done that needed to be done, so the loss was dulled by the fact that I still had my keys and a few files– it wasn’t like I wouldn’t be back. But I am coming to terms that I need to face this- finally, and really– and as I was driving around yesterday I found myself repeating aloud, “I don’t work there anymore. I don’t work there anymore…” My sleep has been filled with a sort of anxious self-loathing collection of dreams, in which I’m often late for appointments, unfairly accused of wrongdoing, and consumed with feelings of guilt. Apparently there is still shit to work out…

My week overall, however, as I mentioned before have been very special (if distracting,) and gratifying– but exhausting. An overview:

CHRISTMAS EVE

• I did my very gift bag/candy run and then saw the Christmas show. HIGHLIGHT: Playing Santa handing out candy to everyone and my friend C’s reaction to his Christmas present. LOWLIGHT: I miss them.
•  After a quick stop over at my parents’, I went to dinner with Soon- to- be- in- the- Navy-Cousin for Christmas Eve dinner, of which I only had time to eat a little bit before running off to be late for Church. HIGHLIGHT: Hanging out with Cousin. LOWLIGHT: There’s only so much I can take of one particular relative’s arrogant talk.
• Church. HIGHLIGHT: The music and candles made the rushing back worth it, and my Minister’s grabbing my arm on my way out to see if I was working and how I was made me feel noticed and cared for.
• Stopped back home and said hi to my landlord’s family, and then drove BACK to my parents, tossing presents under the tree and then sleeping in the guest bedroom upstairs. HIGHLIGHT:  Landlord’s son (who used to live in my apartment) was very impressed with my apartment, which I was so proud of . LOWLIGHT: I wanted to spend more time with them but it was hard not to feel like I was intruding on a family moment.

CHRISTMAS

• I got to sleep in and Sister, Brother-in-Law, and BestNieceEver showed up sometime in the early afternoon, better than last year. I got a cordless phone I’d been needing and knew I was getting. BestNieceEver wasn’t real interested in the whole sitting around opening presents thing but otherwise it was a fun time. My presents were well-received overall.  I had gotten BestNieceEver a magnadoodle and her first pair of jeans, both of which seemed to go over well. My dad seemed simultaneously mystified and impressed with his new iPod Shuffle and my mom has been reading the books I got her, so those seemed to have been a hit too. HIGHLIGHT: Playing Let’s-Throw-Wrapping-Paper-in-the-Air with BestNieceEver. LOWLIGHT: Brother-in-Law was freaking out about being late for the party with the other side of his family so he spent most of the time there looking at his watch.
• I headed back to my place in the evening and enjoyed a quiet night with my Landlords, exchanging presents and eating Christmas cookies. HIGHLIGHT: Peace and quiet.

FRIDAY

• Friday afternoon my friends J&J came over with their 3 kids and we had ice cream sundaes and played Apples to Apples. The kids seemed to enjoy the books I got for them but it was clear they weren’t as cool as the seven million other presents they’d gotten in the past few days. J&J are probably going to hate me for the Joke Book I got their middle child– she has taken to reading aloud from it nonstop and the jokes are, well, pretty bad. HIGHLIGHT: It was wonderful just to be with my friends.
• My parents came over later that evening before heading off to see the show I had gotten tickets for them to see, and then I was off to a Christmas party with the Christmas show people. HIGHLIGHT: My dad called me later just to say he loved the play. I rule!

SATURDAY

• The Big family party at my Dad’s Cousin’s house. HIGHLIGHT: BestNieceEver was the hit of the party. LOWLIGHT: My Great Uncle cried– he has lost 3 siblings and is so depressed… and no one really knew what to do.
• After I got back I turned around and went back out to see Urbanblight and some of our old friends from high school. HIGHLIGHT: It was great to talk to them. LOWLIGHT: I wanted more time, and one of our friends seems particularly depressed.

SUNDAY

• Sunday was my friends J&J’s daughter’s 13th birthday. HIGHLIGHT: The little time with them I had before running off to the next thing. LOWLIGHT: The holiday was really beginning to wear on my at this point.
• After that party I was off to a reunion of sorts for my high school at a local bar. HIGHLIGHT: Talking to people I really haven’t talked to for ten years. LOWLIGHT: Wishing my Life’s Transition wasn’t the main story I had to tell.

MONDAY

• Went back to the office and did a bunch of stuff I wasn’t paid for and won’t be sufficiently appreciated for. Cynical? Maybe. But it was my choice and I still feel if I hadn’t done it I’d be worried about those things.
• Sleep deprived and barely functional I did  something truly crazy. I had the kids I used to babysit– now 12 and 15!– to sleepover. We watched THREE episodes of Quantum Leap, played Scrabble and Apples to Apples, and I somehow managed to stay awake to just past midnight. HIGHLIGHT: They fell in love with my favorite TV show.

TODAY

• After the girls left I fell back asleep for several hours, despite really needing to tie up a bunch of loose ends at the (former) office of mine. OldBoss sent me an email officially announcing my Replacement, who had confidentially told me of their offer last week. Still sorting out how I feel about all that.
• Went off to a Holiday Dinner for a scholarship foundation that gave me an award in high school. HIGHLIGHT: Good food. LOWLIGHT: Not really having much to talk about to anyone, except the kid I used to babysit– who’s now more than a foot taller than me and in seminary school. I feel old.
• And now, back at my parents’, where BestNieceEver is sleeping over as well.

 

So yeah. Kinda tired. Somehow supposed to go to two parties TOMORROW too. We’ll see if the weather– and my stamina– cooperates.

Merry Christmas

It’s been awhile, mostly because I forgot my password and was too lazy to do much about it– but I wanted to organize myself at least to say Merry Christmas to everyone. My Christmas was quietly lovely and hopeful despite a stubborn cold and a bit of uncertainty. BestNieceEver loves her wagon and I am so glad I got it for her. I spent the day at my parents’, waiting around (by sleeping, mostly) for Sister and Brother-in-Law, with baby in tow, to show up (they said 11AM– try 6PM…) but once they finally arrived it was a lovely time. Later in the evening I went over to Cousin’s house. Cousin broke up with his fiance a couple months ago and is having a Blue Christmas, so I did my best to cheer him up and then slept over on the futon he inherited from me back when they first moved in together.

The Christmas show is wrapping up this weekend so its my annual time of nostalgia and emotional wreck-ed-ness. There was a guy I thought could have been a source of flirtation but I didn’t work hard enough at it, and he moves back across the country after tomorrow so oh well.

My faith that my Work is going to get better has been tenuous at best. I am burned out.

There are stories I’m a bit too tired to tell, but  the short version is that I’ve driven through some melancholy this past couple months, the Doc is changing my medication and we’ll see where that takes me. I am anxious to rediscover a happy person inside me again. Through it all I have been grateful for Christmas, with it’s random joyousness rubbing off on me here and there. I needed it and have embraced it as much as I have been able to.

Someone AWESOME is 6 months old today!

Thinkin’ about where I was six months ago. Sister and Brother-in-Law have made it! Six months down, only the rest of their lives to go! I love that BestNieceEver of mine. In honor of her (and their) first six months I thought I would share six reasons why she’s so great.

1.  She makes my parents happy. Not like happy-my-rent-check-cleared-happy or happy-I-just-ate-a-good-meal-happy, but happy-so-much-I-can’t-help-myself-happy. It’s been really something to see my parents, in the way they play with her, talk about her when she’s not there, and eagerly await her return. She reminds me why I love them.

2. She explores the world up until she falls asleep. She has sharp nails, which we have to be careful about, but Dad told Brother-in-Law how he once accidentally cut Sister’s finger and now he’s scared to cut them. Just before she falls asleep she scratches on her Pack-and-Play in different rhythms until she fades to sleep. Maybe she thinks she’s a cat.

3. She lets Dog lick her feet. Dog lives to be a good babysitter for her and paces around after you if she  cries. You can tell she knows she’s making Dog’s day.

4. She still likes to stick out her tongue for no reason sometimes. (When she doesn’t think she’s a cat I guess she thinks she’s a frog.)

5. She’s very snuggly.

6.  She’s doing a great job teaching two novices how to be parents. Believe me, I’m sure it’s a thankless job, but she’s got em trained real good. Who knew?

I also realized today that this is the start of the last six months of my twenties. Put that way, I feel old. But it also gives me some perspective that maybe I need. When I’m old and gray (but not wrinkled, cuz as we all know the lone benefit of my hideous sun allergy is I’m going to have great skin as an elderly person)– I wonder what I will think I should have done with this last bit of my twenties. Somehow I think that that Next Me would have some mild disapproval for staying up late at work every other night. And This Me isn’t feeling too approving of it either, actually. Something to think about. I don’t buy into the whole Oh-God-I’m-X-Years-Old thing generally, and I certainly know that I am young and that there are always possibilities and new adventures to be had when I want them. But given the opportunity to make a certain moment in life special– what will I do? What would you do?

BestNieceEver has some plans for the next six months. I hope I come up with some things that are almost as cool as hers.

I’ve always just wished there were more hours or more of me or…

Something.

I took the day off today. By “took the day off” I mean I scribbled “off” on the little board at my office that says when we’ll be back in, and then didn’t physically end up at the office the next day. I did, however, worry about work, answer emails regarding work issues, and make a few phone calls. So while the workaholic in me defines today as a “day off” due to the fact I spent hours sleeping in between all of these activities and I actually (!) feel guilty about that– strictly speaking, it was not.

Fridays are traditionally my day off at work because there are so many Saturday events/programs that come with my job. It is not an ideal day off, because it doesn’t really allow for a true weekend, no one else is free on a Friday, and there are a million ways that work has a way to sneak into the day if I am feeling just the slightest guilt over all there is to do.

It has become clear that I am in desperate need of an assistant. I haven’t gotten one yet because, 1) I don’t really like anyone I’ve interviewed for the job; 2) knowing the sensitive financial state of this little NonProfit has a way of inspiring the White Knight in me to put off asking for help as long as possible; and 3) NewBoss works extremely limited part time hours that follow no discern-able schedule so it’s been hard to get authorization when her attention and time is so focused on the need-to-have-now items like seeing that I get a paycheck next Friday and learning where the bathrooms are.

Anymore than a week without seeing BestNieceEver seems to make me cranky. I thought about going out there today  but was too tired. I could go out Saturday night or Sunday possibly, but even then, much as I love the time there, it isn’t really time for ME. When I fill up what little time is left not working with time spent at my Sister’s, time spent going through drive-thrus, and time spent sleeping off my exhaustion– there isn’t time for dishes or haircuts or reading or trips or seeing shows. Life becomes something to get through.

Alcoholics have sponsors to call when they feel this way, or when they feel trapped into their addiction or tempted to throw away the quality of their lives in pursuit of that familiar chemical rush– I need to get me one of those. Maybe I don’t need an assistant for work but an assistant for life. If I were really wealthy I would totally hire a maid and a cook and have someone make phone calls for me and tell me “time to go to the gym now.”

I am inordinately blessed in seven thousand different ways. I just want more.

Monday. Bleh.

Spent the day up at BestFriendFromCollege’s yesterday for her Baby Shower. She’s going to have a girl. She seemed in pretty good spirits about it overall– I miss her. It was just so nice to talk to her and do nothing. I’ve got to find  a way to make time for her more often. Or as the Doc would have me say– I’ve got to find a way to make time for ME to be with her more often. Drove home a little weepy after seeing her 7 months pregnant, thinking about the 6 week old twins from the shower, thinking about Uccellina’s good news, thinking about my friend GreatTeacher’s new little boy, and of course the way-too-short-time I spent with BestNieceEver this weekend. It’s just a lot of babies– sometimes my mind gets wrapped up in the what-if-I-nevers, and it’s hard to climb back out into some level of perspective. Sigh. Finally got back to my parents’ house around midnight, too tired to drive all the way home. (Two days in a row of sleeping somewhere other than my own bed, probably didn’t help much either I suppose.)

So between that and it being that time of the month, I stumbled through most of the day today in a rather crummy mood. I don’t think I used to be moody the way I’ve come to be in recent years. Three more days till Boss is done. I feel sad for him on one level, he really did care for the place and try in his own way– but now so much of what he has left is bitterness and more than anything else I feel that this move is the best HE could have made for his own life. He has been rendered so unhappy, paralyzed in his own disappointments– or at least it is to them that he looks for his excuse.

Met NewBoss tonight. Felt a little weird about it because it was sort of a we’re-all-having-a-meeting situation, rather than a hi-we-should-get-to-know-each-other-situation. It’s interesting to me that her job is basically to be a boss until a new boss can be found. What a bizarre job. In some cases I bet its great because you  can get a lot done without the baggage of having to live with it later, and since you’re new you can clean house in a way that people who have been around for years never manage to.   I was a little surprised by the way she dressed– funny how first impressions come down to such trivial things. I didn’t expect my NewBoss to be dressed in fushia floral print. But there she was, and somehow that made me kind of suspicious, as I am of so many people these days. I should just put a sign up that says “If you’re a  dramatic crazy person please go away because I’m too tired to put up with you these days.” Drama and crazy go with the territory a little unfortunately but right about now I’m looking to surround myself with the most emotionally healthy low-key people I can dig up. I’m done with managing personalities.

Freaking out a little about impending September. So much work to do, and of course, it seems like ME doesn’t fit in very well into the priorities. Doc says it’s not that I’m not letting other people down but that I’m letting myself down– so how exactly do I go about stopping that? How do I find time and take care of myself enough to want to go out with a guy, or do something fun? When the work piles up in times like this (and sometimes I have to ask, when ISN’T it a time like this?) I just find it extra hard to break free of the weight of my need-to-work. Tomorrow I figured out I can work from home a little until late afternoon– a little psyched about that. From the look of this post it’s clear I could use a day in my pyjamas, even if I do spend it catching up on paperwork.

Vacation day 6

Okay, so today wasn’t much of a vacation, and I’m pretty annoyed about it.

I went to the Bank this morning, so that I could find out why I still have not received a new ATM card after waiting over a month following a report that it had been lost. My temporary ATM card suddenly stopped working (I imagine it’s not SUPPOSED to be needed longer than a month) so I was anxious to get in to see someone during the precious limited banking hours on Saturday. I really needed a debit card because I don’t have a credit card and I needed to pay my cell phone bill, as my cell phone had just been disconnected since I had forgotten to pay during my month of crazy-work-ness and then had had to wait for pay day to have the funds to even consider it. Long wait and meetings with two people later, I left with a new Temporary Card, an assurance that a new New Card will arrive soon, and the card number and expiration date so I could pay some bills.

So, THEN, I spent about an hour trying to get the phone turned back on, making acquaintance with some of the Worst Customer Service Representatives Ever– and discovered that apparently a credit card number and expiration date isn’t enough anymore, they wouldn’t accept my payment without the security number on the back. So I had to go to an actual Cell Phone STORE, twenty minutes away, where they charged me an extra $7, plus TAX (?!), for the right to pay my bill in cash.

So. That was fun.  Then I realized that my overnighter yesterday meant that I had accidentally went a couple days without my Drugs, which explains my sudden feelings of hopelessness, and, somewhat more pressingly, a variety of digestive inconveniences. I’m still on the fence as to whether I think the new Drug is any better than the old Drug I was on, but the withdrawal symptoms when I’m off it (cold turkey anyway) definitely leave a lot to be desired.

By the time I’d finished with all that it was a bit late in the day for my plans to trek out to NY, or even to hang out with some friend’s at their garage sale, which by then was nearly over. I called some other friends to see if they wanted to go swimming tonight but they were busy with a big renovating project.

That’s all left me most of the rest of the day with a cloudy mood, just enough energy to obsess over last night’s non-event romantically, a Friend who hasn’t called back, and the various things I wish I were different in my life right now– but not quite enough energy to do much around my apartment or get some exercise. So. I bought a calendar to make myself feel better. I know. I’m such a nerd. And filling in stuff on a calendar is TECHNICALLY work, which means I’m beating myself up for THAT too.

Sorry. It’s a whining kind of day. I’ll get better. On the upside, I do think I’ve gotten a good deal of sleep this week and its nice not to be fighting that kind of exhaustion for now. AND my dad sent me a picture of BestNieceEver in which she is actually smiling at the camera, the first of its kind. She can melt any rocky mood…

vacation day 5

Spent most of the day playing with BestNieceEver. Sister and Brother-in-Law always have a tv on, and it kind of bothers me– she’s awfully young to already be absorbed into whatever random thing is on television. Besides that, it’s also often a mix of shows– whatever randomly was left on whatever channel was last watched. Maybe this sounds like over-reacting but– there’s no way to know what she’s processing and what she’s not, so there are certain images I feel like it’s just better for her not to be looking at right now.

I’ve been thinking lately about the distance from where I was this time last year and had quite a flashback as I opened up the fridge and saw the collection of alcohol. It’s been easy to forget for awhile, easy to pretend there were never concerns.

It’s hard to stand by and watch Sister’s life and not want to fix the little broken things. Sometimes it seems that my life would be so much  better if I didn’t care. About everything. I carry around the stresses of my sister’s marriage, my work’s transition,  my parent’s finances.. I recognize what is unhealthy in me, but I don’t know how to be free.

****

So then this evening I finally went back out with EmotionallyStableBoy  and saw Bourne Ultimatum, which I really liked. Afterwards, three times he played the “You look cold let me put my arm around you,” card. He’s sweet. But I didn’t go for it. And it makes me wonder, will I always only go for the unavailable ones?

Vacation day 4 – or the gushings of the first-time-Aunt

Woke up very early but then fell back asleep and wasted a good part of the day. Thankfully it was the day before Pay Day so I was looking forward to being slightly less poor in the near future. Sister had graciously paid for a quarter of a tank of gas the day before so I happily headed out to see BestNieceEver, about an hour and a half a way.

BestNieceEver was having an ornery day. Sister was sleeping the day away and poor Brother-in-Law was trying to convince the baby to sleep. Not sleeping made her more ornery. She’s fun now, she can play a little, and prop herself up on her belly to look around. She smiles for a reason now and is social. She likes her toes. We play a game where she lays on my legs and then I pull her up to sitting, and then slowly come back down. Six Flag’s rides have nothing on me. She still likes to catch flies with her tongue. We think she’s starting to teethe a little so sometimes she likes a new little teether toy that sits in ice water in the fridge for just such an occasion. Mostly she likes to cuddle and be walked around. Half the time if she’s crying lying down she’ll be fine if you pick her up. She loves to look around. Dog loves her and licks her feet whenever we let her. If she cries Dog anxiously paces around while Sister and Brother-in-Law try to calm her. She likes her books, especially this series Sister got for her baby shower at Brother-in-Law’s work, which is about a brown rabbit. She will actually sit in my lap and look at the pictures while I read, and sometimes try to turn the pages. Sometimes she watches people eating and will mimic their chewing. She rocks.

Vacation day 3

Today was pretty slow. Watched TV, did a little bit of organizing around the apartment, talked to Cousin, briefly saw Sister. It’s funny how I feel guilty for not DOING enough on my vacation. As though a day off is just another day to accomplish something. Maybe if I was at a hotel somewhere I would be able to excuse myself and label this nothing-ness as time well spent. I try not to think too much about the work awaiting me next week.

Once Doctor told me that she thought I’m really good at protecting myself from rejection, but also from delight. Maybe delight is what I should be pursuing over this treasured time off. Tomorrow I visit BestNieceEver, she is an endless source of my delight. Thinking of going to NY this weekend– always possibilities there. What brings you your daily dose of delight?