Merry Christmas

It’s been awhile, mostly because I forgot my password and was too lazy to do much about it– but I wanted to organize myself at least to say Merry Christmas to everyone. My Christmas was quietly lovely and hopeful despite a stubborn cold and a bit of uncertainty. BestNieceEver loves her wagon and I am so glad I got it for her. I spent the day at my parents’, waiting around (by sleeping, mostly) for Sister and Brother-in-Law, with baby in tow, to show up (they said 11AM– try 6PM…) but once they finally arrived it was a lovely time. Later in the evening I went over to Cousin’s house. Cousin broke up with his fiance a couple months ago and is having a Blue Christmas, so I did my best to cheer him up and then slept over on the futon he inherited from me back when they first moved in together.

The Christmas show is wrapping up this weekend so its my annual time of nostalgia and emotional wreck-ed-ness. There was a guy I thought could have been a source of flirtation but I didn’t work hard enough at it, and he moves back across the country after tomorrow so oh well.

My faith that my Work is going to get better has been tenuous at best. I am burned out.

There are stories I’m a bit too tired to tell, but  the short version is that I’ve driven through some melancholy this past couple months, the Doc is changing my medication and we’ll see where that takes me. I am anxious to rediscover a happy person inside me again. Through it all I have been grateful for Christmas, with it’s random joyousness rubbing off on me here and there. I needed it and have embraced it as much as I have been able to.

It’s officially February

My Christmas tree is down, although it’s pieces are strewn about the floor– it is definitely weird to have this big window open in my living room now.

Every February since college I have helped out, in one way or another, with my friend H’s dance concert, generally stage managing.  So that was this weekend. We have a pretty decent system down, with the same crew throwing everything together under very limited time, and it’s something I do that makes me feel like I’m a part of something that matters. I like the art of it, and I enjoy the challenge of calling the show each year.  Like the Christmas show I’ve been doing for so many shows, it’s something that at this point is above and beyond what I have to do, whereas there were times in the past when it was a significant source of income for me at this time of the year. Don’t get me wrong– I could use the money, and I will– but I have a full time job now so there’s no way to get around that neither of these events will be my main focus when they are going on, if I continue to do them each year. I struggled a lot this year with whether to take them on, and whether these particular projects are just another symptom of my work addiction. The simple answer is, yes, they are. They are both JUST ONE more thing (among all my JUST ONE more things)  that gives me a modicum of satisfaction and challenge while straining my ability to balance my actual job with the rest of my life.  And yet, I still do them, and at the end of the day I feel glad that I did– or glad for certain moments of gratification, not necessarily glad to be overworked/overtired.

In both cases I’m find these days  it is not the work itself but the time outside of the work, the connection to people that makes me grateful to be doing these things. It is nice to be part of something artistic, and part of a community that cares about each other.  It is nice to have people I genuinely want to spend time with, play pool with, or get dinner with. I guess it just highlights that I don’t have enough of those things in my life, and somehow chasing projects became a means to getting them here and there. Certainly there is also the “This-Is-A-Favor” aspect as well– wanting to do something for people who have done things for me in the past. But there is also the serious workaholic issue of “No-One-Can-Do-This-As-Well-As-I-Would” mentality– which I successfully impress on those around me so that once THEY believe it too they will feel obligated to manipulate me with guilt should I ever come to my senses.

February is the time when winter is really here and the holiday lights are down, where its cold every morning and my thoughts are more wrapped up inside myself.  Sometimes I wish I was one of the mammals that hibernates…

Yay light at the end of the tunnel

One more show this afternoon and I am done. Tomorrow night is the season premiere of 24. My little performers got me flowers tonight, which I generally protest against (at least against the public displays generally associated with them), but they are pretty beautiful and make my apartment look downright classy. Monday is a for-real actual day off, complete with friends over for ice cream sundaes. Yay Martin Luther King! And Ucellina was right, Claritin is freaking awesome and is the first thing yet to truly kick my hives’ ass.

So many reasons to celebrate. One way I plan on honoring the occasion of my impending relief (short term or not) is by blowing my accumulated $100 (!) in Barnes and Noble gift cards, along with another gift card for Olive Garden, as soon as possible. Any advice as to how I ought to direct these magical funds?

Christmas Reminiscing

My strategy for tech week survival has been to take every stolen moment of free time and remember every detail of the good part of my holidays, very much in the obsessive style of having an eighth grade crush. So, in that vein I ask, however belatedly, how WERE your holidays anyhow? Get any good loot?

 I got a lot of good clothes, actually, something I hadn’t said anything about but was rather desperately in need of. A lot of the families of kids I work with got me gift cards, especially to book stores which was pretty cool. My cooking expert friend put together a lovely little cookbook for me that totally impressed me. People gave me a lot of photographs and cards this year which were also much appreciated. I also got 24 Season 5 and gave Seasons 1 and 2 of Six Feet Under, of which I fully intend on insisting on viewing rights. Other presents that I gave that I was especially proud of– a copy of 1984 for one great seventh grader, Barack O’Bama’s The Audacity of Hope for my mom, a video gameing magazine subscription to my brother-in-law in that hopes that he’ll actually read something, a handmade calendar for a special friend, What to Expect the First Year for my sister– in the hopes that my newest relative-to-be makes it through in one piece, the best baby book ever in the hopes that they’ll get read to when they finally do arrive, and a package of good ‘n’ plenties for my dad– our little tradition.

Holiday Catch Up

Christmas was sweet and low-key this year for me, and I really appreciated that. My finances limited the amount of spending I did, but I was able to get some very special people some gifts that came from my heart, and that meant a lot to me. My sister bought me some new clothes for work, which I had been sorely needing but couldn’t afford. My apartment is clean for once and that inspired me to have people over for ice cream and Christmas cheer– I don’t invite people over often enough I think.  I’ve gotten and given a lot of kisses, chocolate and otherwise the past couple weeks, something else I should be doing more of. There has been a lot of music and reflection in my past couple weeks, and plenty of sugary cookies to flavor the energy of my life. And while I have some trepidations about some details of embarking into 2007, it has been nice to focus on the rest of my life for a little while.

So the holiday show that has taken up some of my time has come to a close, and I’m mourning my friends’ moves to new projects, the growing-up of four great kids in the show, and the impending reality of going back to real work very soon. I was fairly happily drunk last night, two mudslides– which with my pathetic tolerance is a few steps away from a coma. It was a night to be drinking.

If I drink at all tonight, supposedly THE night to be drinking, it will be very little. I’ve never had much affection for New Year’s Eve the way some people do. I have two invitations to spend quiet evenings at friends’ houses, I imagine I will end up at one or the other, watching videos and eating pretzels late into the night.

2006 has been quite the year. Moving, attacking my depression, marrying off my sister, surviving (and occasionally thriving) at a job that I only recently felt like I fully knew how to do, two funerals, CollegeBestFriend’s move, a couple nice crushes, a car accident, and my first Christmas tree of my own. And that is just some of it. I hope 2007 has a little less struggle and a little more joy, but I have had a fondness for this year and all it’s roller coasters. Last night someone very special told me that I was the best human being he knew and that I should be impressed becasue he knew a lot of human beings. Pretty tall compliment. I’m so lucky to have so much, and to have connected so deeply with so many.  Tonight I toast to the privilege of having so much to be grateful for.

Merry Christmas

God (or whatever else that is good that you believe in)  bless us every one.

Yay Christmas

I spent my Christmas Eve as I have for the past five years, in a theatre assisting on a show. I love it every year. Christmas Eve was never much of an event for my family, and this seems to get me in the mood. Everyone on the cast and crew seems different on Christmas Eve, a lot of people are truly more alive– maybe having such a crowd of people looking forward to a day off with family in one place contributes to the energy. Little gifts are often exchanged and everyone is genuinely happy just to have been thought of.

I love giving gifts. Sometimes I think of something particularly awesome for someone in my life and it becomes a mission all autumn to make it happen. Sometimes I struggle to think of even one thing that my family can use, while I’ve found something amazing for someone who I don’t have any obligation to buy for. The fact is, that so many of us have so much, what we really need is to be thought of and to spend time with each other. But there is something that makes my heart melt in the watching someone truly touched by a gift.

Are you giving any good gifts this year? How do you figure out what to give people?

I Have a Christmas Tree!

It is, quite possibly, the most beautiful Christmas tree ever. I was raised to be modest, so that’s what the quite possibly is for. It’s beautiful because it’s the first one I’ve ever had all to myself and I decorated it exactly the way I wanted it. It’s artificial and pre-lit (which feels like cheating but oh well). My apartment has a GIGANTIC amount of green in it, so all of the ornaments are red and silver which look amazing. And when it was all set I took a whole box of silver icicles and smothered it in it. When I was a kid that was my favorite part of tree decorating was throwing icicles all around the tree. I believe this was my mother’s LEAST favorite part of tree decorating, well at least post-tree cleaning up. But it doesn’t matter now cuz this tree is ALL MINE and I make the rules. Since I’m such an expert on Christmas trees now I hereby entreat all of you to find a package of silver icicles and toss them onto your tree or your friend’s tree or some stranger’s tree as soon as possible. Don’t throw them on a menorah though because I think they might be slightly flammable. But if you have no other option just toss some all over your floor, since that’s where it all lands eventually anyway. And don’t clean it up until at least New Year’s, preferably Groundhog’s Day. Or Saint Patrick’s Day is even better.

Trust me. It’s good for the soul and you’ll thank me later.