Is this a light I see at the end of this tunnel?

What a week. I go on a cruise next week and by golly I’ve earned it. As my last post indicated, there was a major crisis at work this week involving some kids. It’s been one of those miracle weeks where emotions are high, and I have often felt that I am navigating through a maze, but not on my own power– I am doing things and watching myself doing them at the same time. There is a sense of right-ness, a sense of I’m doing what I’m called to be doing. A sense that I’m a passenger in my life but I know the way. And yet– it’s peculiar because it’s exactly how I shouldn’t feel. In a crisis like this I think I should be backpedaling and unsure– isn’t that how everyone is? But for all the moments of wringing my hands before summoning up my courage– I’ve felt sure this week about what is right and a… comfort with taking on the courage to do what needed doing. I wouldn’t want to go through this again, and I would do anything to take away some of the suffering here. But there are so many times in life when things are foggy and there’s something… clarifying… in coming to a crossroads where the choices come down to moral courage.

For all that I am afraid of, and there is much– one thing I am proud of, one thing I like about myself, is that I think I am a courageous person. More than once now I have faced hard choices and gone along a path that could have been easier– and I’ve always found I sleep better at night after. Even seemingly trivial choices like whether to give a toast at my sister’s wedding– I knew I needed to say what needed saying, and I was chicken for so long I couldn’t write it or guarantee it would happen for the longest time. But when I read the speech it was almost an auto-pilot thing– I think it’s that I feel free-est when my heart is open and sharing.

So. Miracles happen amidst madness. It is nice to be at the end of a lot of difficult decisions and have survived in one piece. It’s nice to actually now be thinking of my vacation. For a long time this week I didn’t think I could enjoy my vacation– I kept thinking of the many work items tabled in the name of crisis and stressing that it would be the center of my thoughts next week– and THEN all the worse to return. But something in me is shifting this past day or so. It’s not just the “I need a vacation” cliche’ of every week– it’s somehow I think I’m ready for it.

Vacation day 7

So tomorrow I need to show up at work. Bleh.

Today was nice, particularly the end of it, when I got to go in a hot tub with some friends. I love knowing someone with a hot tub.

I managed to really clean up my apartment to the point where it’s actually presentable now, except for the bed, which has no sheets because of my laundry crisis. The annoying thing about studio apartments is that there isn’t much room for hidden messes like in a normal living space. A friend of mine who had seen the place a few days ago was quite impressed with the progress, which was extremely gratifying. I became determined mid-afternoon to get a whole lot done, because I knew it would make me feel better about my whole week. Maybe it IS cheating to fill a vacation with household chores, but the fact is I actually really do like it when things are in order and usually I’m too tired/overwhelmed/stressed to clean and keep up with things as I’d like to. There’s something about tidying up an apartment that is like tidying up my life. In the midst of the long-hour-days during the year I’m always fantasizing for that next day off or three day weekend when I can find my floor again and fold underwear. I like the it’s-clean smell and the tossing of torn clothes and unrecognizable leftovers. When I feel more in control of my living space I feel more in control of my life.

I hand washed a whole lot of clothes today. My washer-dryer nightmare has not yet been resolved and the people downstairs have declared my mooching off of their washer and dryer no longer convenient. This is okay for now because the weather is nice enough it’s easy to put my clothes out on my deck to dry. I will need to come up with some sort of solution soon though, and certainly before the weather gets colder again. Locating a laundromat is certainly a possibility, but part of the thrill of moving here in the first place was the hope that I could be quarter-free and not have to deal with all that. It’s not an expense I need added into my budget right now, and certainly not something I have lots of extra time for. So we’ll see.

EmotionallyStable boy called and I didn’t pick up the phone. I don’t know why. I wish I was more into him. I wish I was more into someone who seemed into me right now…

All in all, it’s been a good time off. Of course I wish it was longer, and of course I have battled my way through my relaxation– fighting the crunching inside my stomach when I think of the things that stress me out– worrying about Sister, Work, etc. But I have been proud of myself a lot this week and much of this time has given me strength that will help me get through the great unknowns coming up at work these next few weeks. I realized today that I am owed another day off since I had to come in on my last day off before vacation– so hoping to get enough done this week to take off Friday this week. Like I said, my apartment is clean so suddenly I’m hopeful in so many ways. Sometimes I think I should fire my psychiatrist and just get a maid, probably about the same cost in the end…

Vacation day 6

Okay, so today wasn’t much of a vacation, and I’m pretty annoyed about it.

I went to the Bank this morning, so that I could find out why I still have not received a new ATM card after waiting over a month following a report that it had been lost. My temporary ATM card suddenly stopped working (I imagine it’s not SUPPOSED to be needed longer than a month) so I was anxious to get in to see someone during the precious limited banking hours on Saturday. I really needed a debit card because I don’t have a credit card and I needed to pay my cell phone bill, as my cell phone had just been disconnected since I had forgotten to pay during my month of crazy-work-ness and then had had to wait for pay day to have the funds to even consider it. Long wait and meetings with two people later, I left with a new Temporary Card, an assurance that a new New Card will arrive soon, and the card number and expiration date so I could pay some bills.

So, THEN, I spent about an hour trying to get the phone turned back on, making acquaintance with some of the Worst Customer Service Representatives Ever– and discovered that apparently a credit card number and expiration date isn’t enough anymore, they wouldn’t accept my payment without the security number on the back. So I had to go to an actual Cell Phone STORE, twenty minutes away, where they charged me an extra $7, plus TAX (?!), for the right to pay my bill in cash.

So. That was fun.  Then I realized that my overnighter yesterday meant that I had accidentally went a couple days without my Drugs, which explains my sudden feelings of hopelessness, and, somewhat more pressingly, a variety of digestive inconveniences. I’m still on the fence as to whether I think the new Drug is any better than the old Drug I was on, but the withdrawal symptoms when I’m off it (cold turkey anyway) definitely leave a lot to be desired.

By the time I’d finished with all that it was a bit late in the day for my plans to trek out to NY, or even to hang out with some friend’s at their garage sale, which by then was nearly over. I called some other friends to see if they wanted to go swimming tonight but they were busy with a big renovating project.

That’s all left me most of the rest of the day with a cloudy mood, just enough energy to obsess over last night’s non-event romantically, a Friend who hasn’t called back, and the various things I wish I were different in my life right now– but not quite enough energy to do much around my apartment or get some exercise. So. I bought a calendar to make myself feel better. I know. I’m such a nerd. And filling in stuff on a calendar is TECHNICALLY work, which means I’m beating myself up for THAT too.

Sorry. It’s a whining kind of day. I’ll get better. On the upside, I do think I’ve gotten a good deal of sleep this week and its nice not to be fighting that kind of exhaustion for now. AND my dad sent me a picture of BestNieceEver in which she is actually smiling at the camera, the first of its kind. She can melt any rocky mood…

vacation day 5

Spent most of the day playing with BestNieceEver. Sister and Brother-in-Law always have a tv on, and it kind of bothers me– she’s awfully young to already be absorbed into whatever random thing is on television. Besides that, it’s also often a mix of shows– whatever randomly was left on whatever channel was last watched. Maybe this sounds like over-reacting but– there’s no way to know what she’s processing and what she’s not, so there are certain images I feel like it’s just better for her not to be looking at right now.

I’ve been thinking lately about the distance from where I was this time last year and had quite a flashback as I opened up the fridge and saw the collection of alcohol. It’s been easy to forget for awhile, easy to pretend there were never concerns.

It’s hard to stand by and watch Sister’s life and not want to fix the little broken things. Sometimes it seems that my life would be so much  better if I didn’t care. About everything. I carry around the stresses of my sister’s marriage, my work’s transition,  my parent’s finances.. I recognize what is unhealthy in me, but I don’t know how to be free.

****

So then this evening I finally went back out with EmotionallyStableBoy  and saw Bourne Ultimatum, which I really liked. Afterwards, three times he played the “You look cold let me put my arm around you,” card. He’s sweet. But I didn’t go for it. And it makes me wonder, will I always only go for the unavailable ones?

Vacation day 4 - or the gushings of the first-time-Aunt

Woke up very early but then fell back asleep and wasted a good part of the day. Thankfully it was the day before Pay Day so I was looking forward to being slightly less poor in the near future. Sister had graciously paid for a quarter of a tank of gas the day before so I happily headed out to see BestNieceEver, about an hour and a half a way.

BestNieceEver was having an ornery day. Sister was sleeping the day away and poor Brother-in-Law was trying to convince the baby to sleep. Not sleeping made her more ornery. She’s fun now, she can play a little, and prop herself up on her belly to look around. She smiles for a reason now and is social. She likes her toes. We play a game where she lays on my legs and then I pull her up to sitting, and then slowly come back down. Six Flag’s rides have nothing on me. She still likes to catch flies with her tongue. We think she’s starting to teethe a little so sometimes she likes a new little teether toy that sits in ice water in the fridge for just such an occasion. Mostly she likes to cuddle and be walked around. Half the time if she’s crying lying down she’ll be fine if you pick her up. She loves to look around. Dog loves her and licks her feet whenever we let her. If she cries Dog anxiously paces around while Sister and Brother-in-Law try to calm her. She likes her books, especially this series Sister got for her baby shower at Brother-in-Law’s work, which is about a brown rabbit. She will actually sit in my lap and look at the pictures while I read, and sometimes try to turn the pages. Sometimes she watches people eating and will mimic their chewing. She rocks.

Vacation day 2

I didn’t get as much stuff in my house done as I would have liked, but I did put a hose to my awfully dirty patio furniture, something I’d been meaning to do all summer. I spent an annoying fifteen minutes calling customer service again about my washer-dryer– they assure me my case is being “expedited” to the Corporate Office, whatever that means.

The grandchildren of the people downstairs and seemingly every baby within a twenty mile radius appeared in the backyard swimming pool, so I had some outside time visiting. It was too hot for my taste and I had a long series of excuses for not jumping into the pool with everyone, I don’t know why. Part of it, I think, is that I’m really paranoid about being in a lot of direct sun for any length of time now, and it becomes just another reason I get in the way of my own delight at times.

I don’t get paid until Friday and I’m pretty broke until then. Trying not to drive around much and waste gas in the mean time. I wrote a check I might not be entirely good for at Walmart so I’d have groceries. Sigh.

The grandchildren downstairs returned again this evening and I did spend a very little but quite relaxing time in both the pool and a hot tub. The eleven year old told me how she thinks her favorite neighborhood boy is “hitting on” her again, and about her concerns that she thinks middle school is when people start smoking. She’s slightly awesome.

I opted out of  the chance to watch Indiana Jones with the kids in favor of an SVU episode I’d seen half of before.

All in all, this vacation stuff is not bad. While my email does continue to call me I don’t get much of it, and it’s so unusual and thrilling to feel rested.