Ran into the Doc at the library today. I thought I recognized her, and then I knew I did, and then our eyes met and I didn’t know whether to say hi or not, and she stared past me and kept walking. Protecting my confidentiality is nice– and professional, but it’s also weird. Weird for me anyway, pretending not to know someone who knows a variety of details about my first experiences with intimacy and my true feelings about people I’m forced to be polite to. And weird in that way I used to feel as a kid when I saw my second grade teacher in the grocery store– “what? you have a life beyond that building I always see you in?”

It’s funny, because when I think about it I realize there are these little bits of things I do know about the Doc. I imagine it’s common to wonder about someone you regularly reveal your innermost thoughts to, and at the same time of course it’s reasonable not to have access to much about them at all. I know she went to school in Missouri and Connecticut because that’s what the diplomas on her wall say. I know she has at least two kids and that they go to schools in different districts for some reason because it complicates her availability for appointments around the time of spring vacations. I know she worked professionally with someone at my undergraduate school and that she knew my old neighbor, because he’s the one who recommended me to her in the first place, ten (!) years ago. I know she’s married, as she wears a wedding ring. I know she went from working in a business run by someone else when I first started going to her, to co-owning a business with other people now– because where she used to work a receptionist took care of billing and scheduling and now it’s all handled directly by her. And apparently she lives near enough by me to have reason to go to the public library in my town. And that’s about it.

It’s interesting to me that I found this chance meeting of non-interaction so awkward, because often when I see people I vaguely know in public settings I have an impulse to avoid them, a sense that I don’t want to be forced into smalltalk maybe? Or just a sense that running into someone makes me feel the need to be “on,” to entertain them on some level, to be worth talking/listening to. So in a funny way sometimes I see people and almost wish they would pretend not to see me. Sometimes too much of my life is a game of trying not to risk feeling too uncomfortable.

Kind of had an up and down week this week professionally. I applied to teach at my old high school and didn’t get the job, and I REALLY should have. I know the teachers they have there and I know what I’m capable of, and more importantly, I know how my credentials stack up by comparison. I also know that two people who left positions there specifically told him that I would be their first choice to take over their classes. So that leaves the interview as the apparent dealbreaker. I was interviewed by someone whose known me since I was 14 or so. Did that make me approach the interview too casually? Perhaps, or perhaps the fact that a LONG list of people were assuring me I would get the job so that made me complacent. (In my defense, the person interviewing me was barefoot at the time. Not exactly a cue for formality. But that’s petty I suppose.) My “spies” on the inside tell me that the only clue as to why I was not hired was a comment that I was “too vague” with my ideas. I’ve been feeling hurt, angry, frustrated, and sad about this all week. I originally made contact about the job early in the summer but the interview wasn’t until August. I did not get any notice whatsoever after the interview, only knowing I didn’t get the job because school started. I’m upset because I deserved at least the professional courtesy of notice, as there were other positions I did not apply for because I was unclear if I was still under consideration. Obviously this adds to the financial strain inherent in my starving artist lifestyle at the moment. But more than that I thought that the relationship I had with this person was such that if I didn’t get the gig and it really came down to a problem with my interview or something, that he would give me some feedback– “Look, we decided to go in a different direction, but I thought you should know…”– something.

So I’m annoyed with him because I feel strongly that he’s come to incorrect conclusions about my abilities, and I’m even more annoyed with myself– because somehow after all this time knowing me he wouldn’t think I would be good for his program. I know most of the people who encounter this blog at all will know that this isn’t a matter of my ego or something– this was a job that I was more than qualified to do, at a time when they REALLY need well-qualified people due to the particular mix of students they have  this year. So it’s all well and good for me to say “Fuck him,” — but if under these circumstances he didn’t see my potential then I really didn’t demonstrate it to him. And if someone who’s known me as long as he has doesn’t see that, how am I perceived by people who are just meeting me?

Interviewing is a skill, and maybe it’s one I need to work on. But more than that, I think I stumble a lot in putting myself  “out there.” I remember several years ago some work I did for a company got my name in the paper. And the head of the company, where I’d been working for three years, came down the stairs one day and said, “I saw that article. I didn’t know you were looking for a career in this. We should talk about that.” And it occurred to me how ridiculous that was– that I’d been working there three years, in and around this man who had a lot of connections that could be beneficial to my career– and he had NO IDEA that I had any particular aspirations of interest. There are a lot of people in my life, people I daresay have less to offer the field than I do, who would never have let something like that happen. And it’s all well and good to complain that “nobody notices me,” but what have I done lately to get noticed?

Just back from a great conference, still coming down from my inspiration high. I’ve been thinking a lot this week about this blog and the potential for starting a second one, more as an extension of my Professional Self. I am convinced that I have some things to contribute to my tiny little field, and I’m also looking for ways to unpack my thoughts after conferences and reading articles and such. I’m definitely on the precipice of article writing, doctoral study, or SOMETHING, and a blog seems like a means to sort some of all that out. When asked what my professional objective really is, the answer I’ve come up with is that I want to be a contribution to my field. Whether or not my “job” will always be in exact line with this objective is less important to me, as long as somehow I am a part of the dialogue and growth of this thing I feel so passionately about.

So– here’s the issue. Do I create a webpage that looks something like this, perhaps with a blog component– that theoretically could serve as a potentail space to find likeminded individuals and also to network/find potential work? Or do I attempt, as Ucellina says, to guard my “paper-thin internet anonymity” and thereby feel less inclined to self-censor, more protected from stalkers, etc.??

Whatcha think?

Went to church for the first time in a long while, where several 14 year olds were getting “confirmed”– a process I was never subjected to but might have actually enjoyed as a kid. It happens to also be Pentecost Sunday, which is the day the Holy Spirit descended on the disciples and they famously could speak in tongues. If you had asked me what Pentecost was before the Service I would have made a bad guess and even now I’m only marginally sure how to spell it.

I learned a few things today, such as that the Holy Spirit, linguistically speaking, is without a doubt feminine. There are many (valid) reasons to debate whether God should be referred to in the masculine but there is no question that the words in Hebrew and Greek that are used to describe the Holy Spirit are feminine. Pentecost, the minister told the young confirmands, is emblematic of Christianity– to be so taken with the Holy Spirit that outsiders will gossip Are They Drunk? It’s interesting to me that this holiday has no Hallmark cards or special candies, no traditional feasting to speak of– is known as “the church’s birthday.” So the Christian church was born in mysticism– feminine mysticism at that– a radically inclusive and dramatic flash of joyful connection– and now it’s anniversary year is celebrated so often as a footnote shrouded by often inhibited churchgoers in their Sunday best, who barely know their own neighbors let alone the people in the pew nearby. Where is the intrigue, the adventure in the re-telling of it all? So little surprises people anymore, is it a wonder there isn’t excited debate going on during “coffee and conversation” time each Pentecost Sunday?

I love the story of Pentecost as a Tower of Babel in reverse– suddenly people of all different backgrounds found a common language, a reason to connect, a hurrah in their hearts as the Holy Spirit descended on them all. There is perhaps no better example of the radical inclusivity of God’s love than this  particular testimony, and no better directive towards community and diverse assembly in doing His Work. We are called to talk to each other, despite sometimes seeming insurmountable differences.

Thinking in this light, it makes this tragedy all the more outrageous. Forget politics. Any theology that supports this murder is bullshit.

I’m writing even though I’m not really sure what I have to say.

It’s been a weird time in Seeing-the-Doctor-land. I’m on COBRA thru my old job but it’s stupidly expensive so I tried to apply for a cheaper self-employment health insurance and was rejected — on the grounds that I’ve seen a psychiatrist and taken an antidepressant. Apparently people who go to health care providers and follow their advice can’t get health care. Looking into my other options but Holy Frustration. In other news the Doctor was encouraging me to look into a group therapy option in addition to seeing her, but now that she knows I’m seeking health insurance she doesn’t want to do that lest I “seem sicker than” I actually am.” My initial reaction to the whole group therapy thing was one of mild panic, a why-am-I-not-just-cured-or-something feeling, just a sense of What Now. But then when suddenly the Doctor reversed course I’m ironically more frustrated not to be looking seriously at this option– suddenly it’s something that Might have been good for me that I’m not doing but only for a really stupid reason. So, instead of looking at a therapeutic option she’s suggesting I find a singles group, not a dating organization but some kind of SinglesWhoHike or StampCollectingSingles thing. This came out of my questioning a couple weeks back of what real progress I’ve made, my need to do/see something concrete. Of course, she sees progress I find invisible, or even feel guilty over– i.e, she considers my increased “disloyalty” to my family progress. When we were discussing this she implied that maybe I wasn’t feeling like therapy was the right thing right now and that panicked me more than all the rest. I don’t know how people decide that they “don’t need it” anymore but I guess I’d like to think I’d have a series of appointments that didn’t involve hopelessness or crying as a precursor to  considering such a thing. I guess, but don’t really know, that I’m in a stage of therapy that a lot of people go through– I’m not immediately in crisis or anything so I’ve had more time to process and thereby feel badly about a variety of things and the question becomes what to do with the information. The Doctor says that I missed a developmental stage, that I’ve been parentified and that I “parent” my family in a variety of ways, sacrificing my self in the process. I’ve actually started to wonder if, at some subconscious level, I’ve never had an intimate relationship because that would hurt/upset/discomfort my family. Screwed up. Got it. Now what?

In non-mental-health news, things have been overall better than I had expected. I’ve had enough work and been paid decently for it all– without feeling like I’m in constant stress every week. I finished a show last week that was well-received, I’ve managed to pay my bills, and at present I’m set till mid-June or so when school lets out. I’m a bit anxious to be losing that employment-safety-net of substitute teaching for the summer, and trying to think more seriously about what I really want both for the summer and after. With a friend of mine going into grad school it’s looking good that I could teach her classes at my OldHighSchool and make a decent living, especially on top of some other freelance projects and the Tech gig I’ve got at a private school now. But of course all that would keep me Here, with all the family issues and career direction confusion Here has. On the other hand, leaving presents a million other scary prospects of it’s own. I don’t want to turn away from a good oppotunity (should one arise) just because I’m afraid to step out of my comfort zone, I’m just struggling to figure out what exactly I want that’s worth taking such a risk. So. Don’t really feel like I’ve stepped forward, but the breathing room of I’m-in-Transition has been kind of nice.

Having just been taken out to breakfast I’m doing my best to relax my morning away. Seeing the family later tonight and hoping to be able to just have fun and not struggle with them or myself for once. Looking back, 30 was a momentous year. This is still very much a transition but I’m more hopeful now that I feel like I went through some of the hard work of growing as a person this year that a payoff is coming. I’m definitely more relaxed overall these days– my stresses over work, for the moment, are far between enough to be more reasonable, and being in a more project-to-project situation keeps me from getting to emotionally overwrought over most things related to that. My finances should be in decent shape for the next couple months so I have some time to plan and figure out what’s Next after that.

With more space in my brain these days my thoughts have turned more to some of the work I’ve done with the Doctor, some of it being rather painful. I am honestly kind of surprised to have honed in on new things about my childhood at this stage of the game and I’ve been thinking a lot about what it all means and what I should do with the information as I go further in life. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn myself more and hopeful that it will be a very positive thing for my future.

BestNieceEver knows my name now and has lots to say about lots of things. I saw her this past weekend, and very excited to see her tonight as a new TWO year old. I cherish the time I have with her and feel that she was a great spot for me this challenging year.

The best things I did last year were quit my job and go on a trapeze 4 times. What will be the best things this year? I can’t wait to find out.

But in a good way.

1) Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? My closet doesn’t have a door. If I had a closet with a door I would probably have it closed.

2) Do you take the shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Rarely

3) Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Usually out

4) Have you ever stolen a street sign before? No. I’ve never had any desire to whatsoever either.

5) Do you like to use post-it notes? Absolutely! Hooray for office supplies.

6) Do you cut out coupons, but then never use them? Sometimes

7) Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? Um, can I go with none of the above?

Do you have freckles? A couple

9) Do you always smile for pictures? Generally

10) What is your biggest pet peeve? Obnoxious behavior by performers during their curtain calls.

11) Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Sometimes.

12) Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes, long story

13) What about pooped in the woods? No

14) Have you ever danced even when there’s no music playing? Sure have

15) Do you chew your pens and pencils? Sometimes

16) How many people have you slept with this week? None

17) What size is your bed? Queen

18) What is your song of the week? Chain of Fools

19) Is it OK for guys to wear pink? People can wear whatever they want.

20) Do you still watch cartoons? Occasionally when I’m bored and there’s nothing else on.

21) What’s your least favorite movie? Congo

22) Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? I dunno, I don’t really own any land for burying things in

23) What do you drink with dinner? Too often a diet coke with lemon

24) What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Regular mustard

25) What is your favorite food? Mandarin oranges. Or macaroni salad. Or oatmeal raisin cookies.

26) What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Life is Beautiful, Akeela and the Bee, An American Tail

27) Last person you kissed/kissed you? BestNieceEver

28) Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes I was a Brownie and a Junior Girl Scout, but when we moved in sixth grade we couldn’t find an active troop around here

29) Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? No

30) When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone in the paper? I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter for a newspaper

31) Can you change the oil in a car? I’ve been taught a couple times but I’m not confident about it. It’s the kind of thing I instantly forget after I learn.

32) Ever gotten a speeding ticket? One

33) Ran out of gas? Too many times– at least 4 that I can think of

34) Favorite kind of sandwich? Veggie delite from subway

35) Best thing to eat for breakfast? fruit and yogurt

36) What is your usual bedtime? After 11 but before 2

37) Are you lazy? Not about most things

38) When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Pumpkin, Tinkerbell, Wizard, Clown, Heidi, Pirate

39) What is your Chinese astrological sign? Horse, which is sort of funny since I’m allergic to them

40) How many languages can you speak? Fluently? 1. I had a year or more of training in French, Spanish, Russian, and American Sign Language, but I’m not even approaching fluency in any of them.

41) Do you have any magazine subscriptions? No but I’ve been thinking of subscribing to Real Simple magazine because a kid I know’s scout troop is fundraising by selling magazines and I think I would actually read that

42) Which are better – Legos or Lincoln Logs? Legos. I think.

43) Are you stubborn? I have my moments.

44) Who is better – Leno or Letterman? Letterman. I think.

45) Ever watch soap operas? In late high school/early college (I think) I briefly got mildly into Days of Our Lives. I haven’t watched an episode in at least ten years.

46) Afraid of heights? Sometimes, but not much. Doing lighting so much got that out of me.

47) Sing in the car? Often

48) Dance in the shower? No, not much room for that and sounds kind of dangerous

49) Ever used a gun? No

50) Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? A portrait? College.

51) Do you think musicals are cheesy? Some are

52) Is Christmas stressful? Sometimes, but it also gives me a peace I don’t have much of the rest of the year

53) Ever eat a pierogi? Pretty sure

54) Favorite type of fruit pie? Peach

55) Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Writer, actor

56) Do you believe in ghosts? Sorta

57) Ever have a deja-vu feeling? Yes

58) Take a vitamin daily? No

59) Wear slippers? No. My brother-in-law got me Eeyore slippers once so I own them but…

60) Wear a bathrobe? Yes I have a pink and white terrycloth one.

61) What do you wear to bed? Depends but I have a lot of comfy pajama pants.

62) First concert? Billy Joel

63) Walmart, Target or Kmart? Target. There’s one near my apartment now and the uber-convenience of it all is rather staggering

64) Nike or Adidas? Oh whatever, it’s the same difference

65) Cheetos or Fritos? Fritos

66) Peanuts or sunflower seeds? Peanuts, usually

67) Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? No

68) Ever take dance lessons? Yes– tap, jazz, modern, ballet– but not a lot of it. Modern was my favorite.

69) Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Not really

70) Can you curl your tongue? Yes

71) Ever won a spelling bee? INo

72) Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Absolutely

73) Own any record albums? I think I technically own a record of Mary Poppins music that’s in my parents’ basement somewhere

74) Own a record player? No!

75) Regularly burn incense? No

76) Ever been in love? Not exactly

77) Who would you like to see in concert? Trans-Siberian Orchestra

78) What was the last concert you saw? Paul McCartney I think. Also almost 10 years ago

79) Hot tea or cold tea? Cold mostly

80) Tea or coffee? It varies

81) Sugar cookies or snickerdoodles? Sugar cookies, but I like oatmeal raisin better

82) Can you swim well? Yes

83) Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Um yes

84) Are you patient? I think I am extremely patient, but my patience in a lot of areas of my life has been tested recently so I feel like my fuse is shorter than it once was

85) DJ or Band at a wedding? Tough call but I guess a band. My sister’s wedding had a DJ and he was a tool, which annoyed me.

86) Ever won a contest? I’ve one little raffles here and there.

87) Ever have plastic surgery? No

88) Which are better, black or green olives? I have no idea

89) Can you knit or crochet? Neither

90) Best room for a fireplace? Bedroom would be pretty sweet

91) Do you want to get married? One day

92) If married, how long have you been married? N/A

93) Who was your HS crush? I had several crushes on several different guys and most of them never had any idea.

94) Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No

95) Do you have kids? No

96) Do you want kids? Yes

97) What’s your favorite color? Dark green

98) Do you miss anyone right now? Yes

99) Did you watch “Next Great American Band” on FOX? Never heard of it

100) Would you like other people to see your survey answers? Sure! That’s why I posted them here!

This is the week, one way or another, I need to move on. My Replacement starts tomorrow and I’m handing over my keys. There are a million stupid loose ends, projects half-done that I feel guilty leaving in her hands– but she is, after all, being paid for it and I won’t be. I am sad and resentful, and I’ve shouldered the worry about that place for so long it’s very hard to release it. I don’t regret quitting, I just regret the sadness I feel over it and the fact that I couldn’t change what I wished to change there.

I saw the Doctor today. I feel like I had the same conversation with her that I’ve been having for the past 15 years– the wtf is wrong with me conversation. I am ashamed– honestly, ashamed–  to be in this stage of life and never had so much as a boyfriend. It feels with each passing year that the shame in this intensifies. I want more. But my fear has always gotten in the way. Or that’s what She says, anyhow. With the Job slipping away and the Holidays over, I have more time to think and more space to feel, more space to notice my unhappiness. She seems to think if I could just get miserable enough I would take on that fear, take whatever risks are required to change my situation. She guesses that, outside of my very close friends no one would even see that I am “looking”– maybe I don’t know how to admit I’m looking because I can’t handle the chance that looking won’t make a difference, in the way that I can’t say I want to go to the gym more to lose weight because I can’t handle the commitment of saying that’s something that matters to me. I don’t think I was raised to want things for myself. I was raised to want things for other people. And to look down on anyone who wanted things as superficial as to look attractive, to get felt up, or to have attention. I’ve spent my life acting as though I were too fulfilled by so many other things to care about what wasn’t there. I don’t know how to invite anyone else in. If it all comes down to fear, why has it so paralyzed my life? And what possibility is there for it to be conquered?

So yeah. I have a little time on my hands now and it looks like wading through some pain will be part of it. I’m hoping some insight and change will come of it all, but I guess we’ll have to see.

Coming down from all the holiday-ness now. My replacement at the Job has been officially announced, so at long last it is SINKING IN. January will be a tight month financially, so nervous about that, but mostly just trying to sort out whatever it is I actually WANT now. Maybe my New Year’s Resolution should be simply to figure that out.