Senior Year in College

Figure make up for lost time and continue with these stories. Let’s see. Senior Year was a very busy one at school.  I directed four shows and choreographed a dance piece. I also wrote a 108-page thesis and discovered the Writing Center on campus, promptly wishing I’d taken advantage of it the rest of my four years there. Oh and I completed a minor in my spare time. So yeah, fully embracing my workaholic-ness at the time. I wisely gave up on living on-campus and was totally at SecondFamily’s house that year, to my BestFriendFromCollege’s chagrin. The man I was in lust with got engaged, which I found extremely inconvenient (although he didn’t actually marry her until several years later, so I guess it was nice — in a way– to have time to get used to the idea).

In some ways I think I entered adolescence late, and I remember being more “difficult” in this period of my life than I ever was in high school. One incident that stands out, was being in a show, which received mixed reviews on campus– and was required to write a paper for the professor/director about what a good play it was. The style of the director had been very oriented towards creating an ensemble of people that would feel passionately about the work and making autobiographical contributions to a larger social theme in the play, and on a level I did both– but I got hung up on certain aspects of the whole project I found unprofessional, and on a sense that my life was being exploited in a way. I felt a strong sensation that this professor was trying to understand me, and that the conclusions she was drawing were incorrect– but instead of revealing myself more fully it closed me off further to her. What I wrote in the paper was honest, but taken to be hurtful, and I do regret it. It served no great good to burn that bridge. Unfortunately the professor was also my thesis advisor and that whole incident created a distance that did no good for that project either. My grades weren’t really affected by any of this, but the whole year had an energy of discomfort that really was unnecessary. In a way, it was my first experience with politics, and the first strongly negative reaction I’d received to stating my opinion–and it took quite a long time to sort out where I had gone wrong and what had happened to what could have been a meaningful professor-student relationship.

BestFriendFromCollege and I had a graduation party together in a rented tent on campus, and I was so happy my SecondFamily and my Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, and Cousin’s Wife were able to come out. There was definitely a sense of relief, being done, and a sense of good adventures to come.

I spent much of the summer in Europe, first on a “business trip” with my family in Germany that then turned into visits to Brussels and Paris as well. Then I went on my own trip studying directing in Italy and marveled at the scenery every chance I got. It was all rather heavenly.

Back in the states I felt great trepidation, having worn out my welcome to some extent at SecondFamily’s house and needing to earn money to get an apartment of my own.

These memories for so long seemed to be not-that-long-ago and lately I’ve been realizing how distant college seems. I’ve been missing it, or parts of it, as I’ve wondered about my suddenly seeming uncertain future and even toyed with the idea of getting a sixth year degree or PhD down the road. There certainly is something insular, and attractive about the little world of a college campus, pursuing one’s own research and stretching the mind. My master’s experience was very different because I was even more detached from the college itself, commuting in for a class or two each semester. It’s now been two years since I’ve had to write anything for a class, and after SO MUCH school for so long it’s kind of striking to realize that. It’s also been about seven years (I think) since I’ve been in a play (other than a couple brief performances at church a couple years back), and about nine years since I’ve been in an acting class myself. Is that what I want? I guess a lot of my work these days feels like I’m GIVING a lot, and I don’t have much that is giving to me. Something to think about.