Couldn't think of a cool title…

September 11, 2011

Coming back here, for awhile?

Filed under: Memories, Personal — me @ 6:19 pm

I remembered that I had written this post on this day five years ago so I went back to re-read it and was kind of surprised to see that the last thing I had posted was just after Christmas this year. Things were just beginning. It’s funny how months can go by and people feel like nothing ever happens to them, and then sometimes a week happens that changes you forever. Today I also read this beautiful article from Colin MacEnroe and thought today is as good a day as any to engage in that exercise. What has happened to me in 10 years?

Ten years ago I had been living in my first apartment for about six months. I was just learning to balance bills and was living a starving artist freelance lifestyle. I was excited to be getting work as a teaching artist and doing a lot of overhire electrics in local theatres. I had been living off savings, more or less, for some time then and the challenge of paying bills, especially student loans, was probably starting to catch up to me. Today I have a lot more financial stability but still go through periods (like this week) when I live far closer to the edge than I would like. I moved out of that apartment five years later, to where I am now. Today I struggle with loving the place I live in but knowing I need to leave. I took classes to become a foster parent last year. Things got put off a bit during the difficult months after my last post here– in an ironic climax I spent about a week wondering with great seriousness if I was going to need to take custody, unofficially or officially, of BestNieceEver. Instead I ended up taking her every weekend for 3 1/2 months, with great support from some friends and not-terribly great support from some members of my family. It all also resulted in a painful conversation with my landlord that hit the nail in the coffin that, foster care or no, it’s time to move on. It’s just taking me longer than I would like to make it happen.

If you had asked me then what I most wanted to do I would probably have said direct. Today I want to direct, with my whole heart, but I want to have the income to finance my future a bit more. Mainly I continue to want to be a part of the field I love, and contribute as much as I can. Ten years ago I might have jumped at the chance to take my Old Job. Today I look back on the 3 1/2 years I had there fondly but know it was better to have moved on.

Ten years ago I was trying out yahoo personals and going on a date every now and then. Today yahoo has gotten out of the personal ad game but I still belong to eHarmony. I struggle with whether to continue to spend money on a service I only sporadically use, but I feel just as terminally single today as I did then, and after over 10 years, on and off, of therapy, I’m pretty frustrated that this issue has not gone away.

Ten years ago I was in lust with a man. He had a girlfriend at the time. They broke up for awhile but are now married and have a baby girl. My lust has not gone away, it just– is what it is.

Ten years ago I had a CD case full of music in my car. It was 98% music that either I had found because of shows I was in or BestFriendfromHighSchool had introduced me to. My car, and all the CDs was stolen in 2002 and until recently didn’t listen to much new music at all. Only in the past year has music been a major part of my life.

Ten years ago I didn’t belong to a church. I had church shopped a little bit and felt like I wanted to belong somewhere but everything with my friend’s death and all that made me very cautious about where to go. Today I went to the annual picnic for the church I’ve attended for 9 years.

Ten years ago I was starting a long process of getting off of antidepressants. Today I’ve been back on them for almost six years, and the Doc says it’s likely I won’t go off of them again.

There have been many funerals, some of which have reached down inside me to the point that I thought my head would never feel screwed on properly again. Too many taken too soon.

There were some births, the most touching to me, of course, being BestNieceEver, my 29th birthday present. I’ve honestly never loved anyone more.

Ten years ago, my relationship with my family held me back from fully realizing my dreams– although I would never have been able to articulate it that way. Today, things are better. But not as better as they ought to be.

Ten years ago I think I would have hoped that by now I would have it all figured out. Today I wonder if it’s possible ten years from now I could even hope to.

 

 

 

 

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