Couldn't think of a cool title…

November 18, 2008

Moody Tonight

Filed under: Bad Patient, Melancholy, Personal, Workaholism — me @ 2:21 am

So my ear doesn’t hurt as much but I still have this weird sensation of being underwater when I talk. I’m coughing up my lungs less often– very much looking forward to being UnSick again. Workaholism and Depression probably get me sick more often than not, and they don’t interact well with sickness when it does arive. I get less done when I feel crummy, which then makes me feel more lousy, which then makes me push myself more, which then drags the physical-me down further. I’m not surprised I got sick, it’s a tradition of mine when I hit a particular marathon’s finish line (I bet a lot of you Theatre Folk out there caught a fever after Tech more than once…). It hasn’t really been the Finish though, its just been the Beginning of this strange period of having one foot still in the Job and one foot drawing away– working “part time,” at least on paper but not (yet) finding the consuming nature of the work lessening in my thoughts. It is almost as if, since I don’t have an obligation now to go into the office as much, I’ve been freed, paradoxically, to spend that “lost time” on the phone, on the internet, and wrapped up in paperwork in my pyjamas. I know this is not Not Working. And I know these habits are a cross between the Unreasonable Demands that Meant I Need to Leave in the first place and the Unreasonable Workaholism that Kept Me Here So Long.

I imagine to most of the people in my life, it must be pretty tiresome when I talk about where I’m at these days emotionally. I hum along fine and then suddenly it’s like tonight, where I’m back at square one, grieving this thing I’ve called My Job and trying to figure out what direction it is that I am to go in Next.

Today there was a meeting where a gathered committee discussed the various resumes that have come in and decide which are worthy for interview as my replacement. I wasn’t a part of the meeting, except to rudely interrupt with a question for my Boss as I was on my way out the door. But it scratched against me a little, the way fingernails scratch on a chalkboard, and I hadn’t expected it.

I’m trying to figure out why this all affects me so deeply. My Job made me feel special, it gave me purpose. It gave me something to do that I was uniquely able to do. I loved my Title, my Office, my System of White Binders on the shelf. I was in love with the potential my Job had, and enamored with the idea that I could Make It what I wished it could be. I wanted to redeem an Organization that had meant a great deal to me as a child. And when things fell down because there wasn’t enough funding, or staff, or lead time– I took it as a personal failure, thinking that if I had Just Worked Harder, if I hadn’t been So Tired, if I hadn’t let OldBoss get me down, and if I could Just Be Patient… it would be different.

In a way, I grew accustomed to whining while in this position, a tradition carried over from my time working for the StageMotherSchool. Whining is usually about being Righteously Annoyed, not Angry really. I was surrounded so often by behavior and situations that others might have gotten Angry about. But I never really owned Anger here. I couldn’t be angry in the disgusted way outsiders who came along were. I loved this Place so much. And I had worked so much to make It better– to be disgusted with It was to be disgusted with myself. So I would whine, to those few who both listened well and every now and then add fuel to my whining– it got that frustrated energy released, my ego massaged, my view of events affirmed. Of course it got old to listen to sometimes, and even the most patient in my life would wander into the “So Why Are You There?!” territory and I’d scuttle away emotionally– knowing I had complained a few moments too long. It was okay if I was the noble victim, if I could garner sympathy and support for my mistreatments and still go back in to work the next day. But I couldn’t handle the implication that I was pathetic, attaching myself to a situation that a grown up would– should– walk away from.

It is this that I was afraid of. This sense of What The Hell Am I Doing. Who Am I if not this Title. More than that even– Who Am I If Not The Saving of This Place.

Maybe I’ll find Somewhere Else to Save. Maybe I’ll be Special in a million new ways to come. Maybe there will be Someone To Come holding my hand, and I’ll realize I never could have given to them or gotten from them if I hadn’t taken this step. Maybe I’ll find a way to value myself highly with or without a current Great Project. It’s scary to step out into a whole lot of Maybes. I guess the one thing the Whirlwind of my Job always had was that– the Constancy of that Whirlwind could always be counted on. When the Whirlwind stops suddenly there is a whole lot of empty space for thinking about the things that make me feel inadequate, the finances I’m not sure I will conquer, the strains within the love I have for my family. Sometimes I have more pain in me than I would like to acknowledge.

November 15, 2008

Bleh

Filed under: Bad Patient, Workaholism — me @ 6:45 am

I have bilateral ear infections mixed with a bad cold. The antibiotics don’t appear to have kicked in yet. I should be asleep, work early in the morning tomorrow. I think I’ve moved a step in this long-strange-grieving process over the Job. Tomorrow… er today… marks the end of a whole week as a “part time” employee, which was my offer to Job– I gave my notice but would stay on part time for a short period of time to help with the transition, train someone new, etc…

Already there are a thousand opportunities to stay “involved,” and they are tempting. This Job has a hold on me. The many rational people in my life hope for a clean break. I guess… I just don’t know for sure how I manage  without this Job as a part of my life. I have a hard time letting go of the things I put my sweat into.

April 9, 2008

Sick Day

Filed under: Bad Patient, Melancholy, Workaholism — me @ 8:52 pm

I have a cold. I’ve been in bed most of today and have hit total boredom. Ever the workaholic, I’ve checked my work email a few times today, but managed not to do (much) actual work since I did after all call out.

My job is sort of a nightmare these days. It has often been that way, so I can’t even say that its more or less so than many other times in the past three years, but right now I’m at a low point in my ability to let things slide off my back. I know I need to leave, but I don’t know how, I’m struggling with when, and I’m absolutely terrified of what it will mean for my future– financially, career-wise, everything. It’s clear that the people who care most for me will probably want to throw a party when I finally find a way to walk away– but I have not yet figured out what it will mean for me. I find the whole situation utterly heartbreaking. I define myself by my work and for work to be such a constant source of anxiety is frankly tearing me apart.

I need a break.

October 6, 2007

Allergies

Filed under: Bad Patient — me @ 10:42 pm

suck.

March 1, 2007

dangnabbit

Filed under: Bad Patient, Boys, Personal, Rants, Talks with the Doc — me @ 1:11 am

it’s official, i have bronchitis. my doctor prescribed antibiotics, which have come in the form of the largest pills i have ever seen. i miss healthiness.

In the meantime my recent Crush, who i’ve been referring to as Michael Douglas for purposes of protecting the guilty, has been ignoring me. Or at least that’s what he appears to be doing. As the Doctor says, I date something like a 12 year old, so it is his lack of response to myspace comments and text messages that has me all melancholy.   In my defense, however, I actually have tried to CALL him twice in the past two weeks and he has not called back.

For a great period of my life I would have told that story with the disclaimer that it isn’t a big deal or that it’s a silly complaint. But what I’m really mourning these days, honestly, is that this lack of an Other in my life really IS a big deal. My singleness is my biggest hate in my life, the thing I find the most overwhelming, hopeless, and yes, shameful. Whatever accomplishments I have that I am proud of, the place I am in my life right now just takes me back, over and over again, to the fact that I will be 29 in 3 weeks and I have never had a boyfriend. I can’t fully articulate the pain this situation carries into my everyday life.  But it is so much hurt that denying and minimizing it seemed the only way to survive. And now I guess I am facing a crossroads in which I actually acknowledge how deeply this has driven into me but face a harsher question– what if I jump into this grief this way and still, nothing changes?

So, my Crushes. Be gentle with me.

February 27, 2007

Not Again

Filed under: Bad Patient — me @ 4:08 pm

I sick again. This time its some kind of head cold– it’s difficult to determine whether I have more difficulty breathing out of my nose or my mouth at the moment. Sigh.

Part of this is probably my fault. Once I returned to work 10 days ago things were crazy getting ready for one of the most intense weeks of the year at my nonprofit. I worked overtime to make up for the 3 days I missed and then spent the week working more or less  10-12 hours a day, spending time with 25 strange kids no less.  Not very supportive of a healthy immune system.

February 14, 2007

Climbing the Walls

Filed under: Bad Patient — me @ 1:42 am

AARRGGGGHH!! This being sick thing is annoying. What do I do with myself?

February 13, 2007

It feels like morning cuz I just woke up

Filed under: Bad Patient, Workaholism — me @ 7:30 pm

Hey people,

I’ve stumbled out of bed semi-upright and discovered I have enough of an attention span to type after a day and a half of mostly sleeping, whining, and worrying about all the things I’m neglecting. I caught the stomach bug from hell, and have stayed home from work the past two days, although I’ve managed to respond to a couple emails today. Bleh.

Without getting too deep into the gory details, I did make a discovery that bears some thinking. Stomach cramps can be made worse by anxiety. And an awful lot of things I think about produce anxiety. It’s actually HARD for me to go very long without thinking of something that makes my stomach muscles tighten.

Ucellina put up a good post a couple days ago about her guilty pleasure of lurking on right-wing websites– and while I agree it’s good to be informed, I think that that sort of thing tends to mess with me more than it empowers me. Chris Shinn once said in an article about one of my heroes, Jon Stewart, that he worried that Stewart encourages cynicism. The more informed I have become, the more cynical I have been about some things– and I will concede that cynicism softens some of the real pain I feel about the state of the world. Maybe it is good for my stomach muscles but not so good for the world.

On a more micro level, I work for a nonprofit that has had more than its share of problems for quite some time. A lot of it is financial, a lot of it is past abuses by people who have since moved on, and a good deal of it just comes down to conflicting personalities under constant pressure. I make a great deal of effort in my work to be a force for action and positive change, but there are times when things feel insurmountable, or when the actions of others just make me roll my eyes. And there are other times when reasonable people perceive a lack of action in myself and I feel overwhelmed and defensive– I try so hard that when things fail it can be debilitating. So I guess it makes sense that I would be anxious.

Sometimes it’s good to be sick and drop out of the world for a short period of time. I have been fighting against my breakneck lifestyle for so long, and sometimes horrible illness is the only mental freedom to be found. I hope that if I do go back to work tomorrow it will be a more Rested Me.

January 14, 2007

Yay light at the end of the tunnel

Filed under: Bad Patient, Business, Christmas!, Good Moodiness — me @ 6:25 am

One more show this afternoon and I am done. Tomorrow night is the season premiere of 24. My little performers got me flowers tonight, which I generally protest against (at least against the public displays generally associated with them), but they are pretty beautiful and make my apartment look downright classy. Monday is a for-real actual day off, complete with friends over for ice cream sundaes. Yay Martin Luther King! And Ucellina was right, Claritin is freaking awesome and is the first thing yet to truly kick my hives’ ass.

So many reasons to celebrate. One way I plan on honoring the occasion of my impending relief (short term or not) is by blowing my accumulated $100 (!) in Barnes and Noble gift cards, along with another gift card for Olive Garden, as soon as possible. Any advice as to how I ought to direct these magical funds?

January 9, 2007

still scratching

Filed under: Bad Patient, Business, News Worth Knowing — me @ 6:22 am

I mean, trying not to.  I’ve stopped taking the offending medication, most likely going to the doctor again tomorrow to demand better relief. Sorry to bore you with my medical maladies, but it must be a change from my usual whining about work huh?

On that subject, I was pretty nonstop all day, but feel like I accomplished a thing or two. Still can’t wait for this stupid week to be over, my migrating malaise hasn’t made tech all that more pleasant. My young performers made it through the whole show tonight, and while there are still far too many details unaccounted for (like, say, half the costumes), I was happy to leave tonight feeling like they have a show. I like that moment when it can only get better.

On other subjects– John Edwards and Dennis Kucinich are both running for president again. That makes me pretty happy. Whether or not the people I like ever make it to the Oval Office– and let’s face it, Kucinich especially has never had good odds– I do find solace in knowing that there are voices of hope out there that manage to find their way to a microphone or two. I don’t like a lot of politicians, but I have some respect for them, and it’s a hard time to be living without respect for so many with great power these days.

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