Spent most of the day playing with BestNieceEver. Sister and Brother-in-Law always have a tv on, and it kind of bothers me– she’s awfully young to already be absorbed into whatever random thing is on television. Besides that, it’s also often a mix of shows– whatever randomly was left on whatever channel was last watched. Maybe this sounds like over-reacting but– there’s no way to know what she’s processing and what she’s not, so there are certain images I feel like it’s just better for her not to be looking at right now.
I’ve been thinking lately about the distance from where I was this time last year and had quite a flashback as I opened up the fridge and saw the collection of alcohol. It’s been easy to forget for awhile, easy to pretend there were never concerns.
It’s hard to stand by and watch Sister’s life and not want to fix the little broken things. Sometimes it seems that my life would be so much better if I didn’t care. About everything. I carry around the stresses of my sister’s marriage, my work’s transition, my parent’s finances.. I recognize what is unhealthy in me, but I don’t know how to be free.
So then this evening I finally went back out with EmotionallyStableBoy and saw Bourne Ultimatum, which I really liked. Afterwards, three times he played the “You look cold let me put my arm around you,” card. He’s sweet. But I didn’t go for it. And it makes me wonder, will I always only go for the unavailable ones?
I made an effort to be social. I went to a play I had free tickets to see, though the New Co-Worker who I had invited to go with stood me up. No worries though, play was good. Several buddies of mine work there and invited me to their little after party. I hesitated, made excuses for myself, thought about it and finally talked myself into going. And people talked to me. And I only felt a little awkward a little of the time. I was glad I went.
It’s hard to explain to my more outgoing comrades how the social anxiety– or whatever it is– that I feel during a lot of these types of events denegrates so quickly into paralysis that I can so very easily convince myself it’s not even worth it.
Its my vacation starting this week. I told myself I would go in to work once or twice this week but now I am talking myself out of it, or at least I am trying to. There are loose ends that will haunt me but suddenly sleeping late, doing laundry, and reading stuff sound like a good start on a break from it all. And the effects of my recent bouts of work-immersion have me feeling guilty– I’ve blown off eHarmony guy #1 so much, for instance, I imagine I’ve completely annoyed him out of interest. I’d like to get a massage, and I’d like to talk Sister into letting me hang out with BestNieceEver this week. There are other things I’d like to do, but some of them, at bestm will have to wait till I am paid on Friday– gas prices have truly crippled my possibilities for getting around much this week. I am way poorer than I would like to be lately.
August is my spring cleaning month– for work, for my apartment, but most of all for my life. There are possibilities with this clean-the-slate time, if I can harness that energy/hope and hold onto it for a bit. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
And let me know– exactly what DO people do when they don’t have to work?
It’s 5:27 at night and I’ve barely gotten out of bed today. What an exhausting week. It’s had it’s really great moments but my job really takes a lot out of me sometimes, particularly at this time of year. Three more weeks of this– I imagine it will go quickly and slowly at the same time. It is nice to think, though, that I will have real weekends for a little while now. Even if I do bring a good deal of work home just to stay afloat.
My happiness with how things have gone this week has seemed to change every 12 hours or so– working with a fairly large staff and a whole pack of students (around 70 on-site most of the time this week), there’s a lot of disruptions any time I get started in clearing my desk off, and there have been some technology challenges that have made things take longer than necessary. But every now and then I feel this surge of gratitude, to be doing something I believe in, and to be doing something I feel I’m supposed to be doing. So far I think we are doing better than we did last year. I always have a list longer than everyone else’s as to how things ought to be better. But the parental complaints I’ve handled have been fairly minor and respectful, the injuries have all been too miniscule to merit recording, and my staff seems to get along together. That’s a lot to ask, and I’m proud of where we are. Boss’ resignation and all that are in the background of my stresses– in some ways it’s easier simply being too busy to worry about the impending changes, but surely they will be here soon.
It’s hard to chase boys at this time of year– the weather is perfect for dating but my time is at it’s most precious, and it feels like I have so little energy to give over to anyone else. My thoughts when I do have free time are mostly with Sister and BestNieceEver, so that’s where I tend to go when I have the time. But there are other things I want my life to be about. I want to go to NY more often. I want to get back at church more often. I want to spend time with friends. I want to go see my Aunt and Uncle at their house on the beach. I want to visit my BestFriendFromCollege, who will be having a baby in October.
I had a date tonight and I didn’t want to run screaming by the end.
Pretty cool, huh?
It was an eHarmony guy, and we went to this really nice restaurant in town. I found out, a couple hours earlier, that he’s actually roommates with a friend of one of my really good friends, and this had me sort of freaked out. Mixing of worlds doesn’t always go well and I kept thinking – WHAT IF HE’S PSYCHO- everyone I know knows him, that will make things weird. But we had a nice dinner and managed to have a lot to talk about. As you all know, I hate dating. I hate the “So… do you have brothers and sisters?” part. I hate the not knowing what random topic is taboo for someone else. I hate the feeling that I’m supposed to be impressing someone mixed with the feeling that they are just trying to impress me. I think that’s why I’ve had so many great platonic guy friendships– my relationships with guys often seemed a lot easier when we both made it clear from the beginning that “we’re just friends.” Then I could relax and feel like I was just being myself, and the focus was on having fun together rather than on what-is-he-thinking and is-it-okay-if-I-hug-him-will-he-be-insulted-if-I-don’t-kiss-him-now and blah blah blah. I know that the reason I hate dating is that I approach it from this neurotic place, but I haven’t found a way to cure myself of that yet and so it’s just something I tend to deal with.
So I would say he’s a little cute, though his photograph online is not a very good representation. He works with computers and enjoys a lot of outdoor-type activities. He went backpacking through Europe after college and has four older sisters with kids. I’m not entirely sure if we have a romantic chemistry– it wasn’t like we really fell into any kind of flirting exactly. But he really did seem like someone I could have some fun with. There have really only been one or two other times when I’ve even really felt that much after a first date, especially in an online situation, which is basically a glorified blind date. So. Yay small victories.
it’s official, i have bronchitis. my doctor prescribed antibiotics, which have come in the form of the largest pills i have ever seen. i miss healthiness.
In the meantime my recent Crush, who i’ve been referring to as Michael Douglas for purposes of protecting the guilty, has been ignoring me. Or at least that’s what he appears to be doing. As the Doctor says, I date something like a 12 year old, so it is his lack of response to myspace comments and text messages that has me all melancholy. In my defense, however, I actually have tried to CALL him twice in the past two weeks and he has not called back.
For a great period of my life I would have told that story with the disclaimer that it isn’t a big deal or that it’s a silly complaint. But what I’m really mourning these days, honestly, is that this lack of an Other in my life really IS a big deal. My singleness is my biggest hate in my life, the thing I find the most overwhelming, hopeless, and yes, shameful. Whatever accomplishments I have that I am proud of, the place I am in my life right now just takes me back, over and over again, to the fact that I will be 29 in 3 weeks and I have never had a boyfriend. I can’t fully articulate the pain this situation carries into my everyday life. But it is so much hurt that denying and minimizing it seemed the only way to survive. And now I guess I am facing a crossroads in which I actually acknowledge how deeply this has driven into me but face a harsher question– what if I jump into this grief this way and still, nothing changes?
So, my Crushes. Be gentle with me.