Couldn't think of a cool title…

March 19, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me

Filed under: Best Niece Ever, Good Moodiness, Talks with the Doc — me @ 10:46 am

Having just been taken out to breakfast I’m doing my best to relax my morning away. Seeing the family later tonight and hoping to be able to just have fun and not struggle with them or myself for once. Looking back, 30 was a momentous year. This is still very much a transition but I’m more hopeful now that I feel like I went through some of the hard work of growing as a person this year that a payoff is coming. I’m definitely more relaxed overall these days– my stresses over work, for the moment, are far between enough to be more reasonable, and being in a more project-to-project situation keeps me from getting to emotionally overwrought over most things related to that. My finances should be in decent shape for the next couple months so I have some time to plan and figure out what’s Next after that.

With more space in my brain these days my thoughts have turned more to some of the work I’ve done with the Doctor, some of it being rather painful. I am honestly kind of surprised to have honed in on new things about my childhood at this stage of the game and I’ve been thinking a lot about what it all means and what I should do with the information as I go further in life. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn myself more and hopeful that it will be a very positive thing for my future.

BestNieceEver knows my name now and has lots to say about lots of things. I saw her this past weekend, and very excited to see her tonight as a new TWO year old. I cherish the time I have with her and feel that she was a great spot for me this challenging year.

The best things I did last year were quit my job and go on a trapeze 4 times. What will be the best things this year? I can’t wait to find out.

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December 31, 2008

I’m not sure I trained enough for this particular marathon…

I love Christmas. And I have loved the Christmas-ness of this Christmas. Every night for the past week has been a joyous special thing that only the glittery soul of Christmas can create. My apartment is clean and sparkly with Christmas lights and candles and I’m hopeful that this little step of having a pleasing living space is a sign of more pleasing living to come.

Twice I visited my friends in the Christmas show I had been a part of for the 6 years prior. I miss it, and I miss them, but I guess it may be better in this season of change in my life to have had less of the running around that particular gig required. I needed the time. I mourn missing out on what was special there, in the same way I have mourned my leaving the Real Job– but I’ve been better for it, I’m sure.

I was part time through December 20th, and on that day a party was held in my honor. It was an odd collection of people but a very sweet little gathering that left me feeling cared for and more hopeful/less sad than I had expected. Not everything was done that needed to be done, so the loss was dulled by the fact that I still had my keys and a few files– it wasn’t like I wouldn’t be back. But I am coming to terms that I need to face this- finally, and really– and as I was driving around yesterday I found myself repeating aloud, “I don’t work there anymore. I don’t work there anymore…” My sleep has been filled with a sort of anxious self-loathing collection of dreams, in which I’m often late for appointments, unfairly accused of wrongdoing, and consumed with feelings of guilt. Apparently there is still shit to work out…

My week overall, however, as I mentioned before have been very special (if distracting,) and gratifying– but exhausting. An overview:

CHRISTMAS EVE

  • I did my very gift bag/candy run and then saw the Christmas show. HIGHLIGHT: Playing Santa handing out candy to everyone and my friend C’s reaction to his Christmas present. LOWLIGHT: I miss them.
  •  After a quick stop over at my parents’, I went to dinner with Soon- to- be- in- the- Navy-Cousin for Christmas Eve dinner, of which I only had time to eat a little bit before running off to be late for Church. HIGHLIGHT: Hanging out with Cousin. LOWLIGHT: There’s only so much I can take of one particular relative’s arrogant talk.
  • Church. HIGHLIGHT: The music and candles made the rushing back worth it, and my Minister’s grabbing my arm on my way out to see if I was working and how I was made me feel noticed and cared for.
  • Stopped back home and said hi to my landlord’s family, and then drove BACK to my parents, tossing presents under the tree and then sleeping in the guest bedroom upstairs. HIGHLIGHT:  Landlord’s son (who used to live in my apartment) was very impressed with my apartment, which I was so proud of . LOWLIGHT: I wanted to spend more time with them but it was hard not to feel like I was intruding on a family moment.

CHRISTMAS

  • I got to sleep in and Sister, Brother-in-Law, and BestNieceEver showed up sometime in the early afternoon, better than last year. I got a cordless phone I’d been needing and knew I was getting. BestNieceEver wasn’t real interested in the whole sitting around opening presents thing but otherwise it was a fun time. My presents were well-received overall.  I had gotten BestNieceEver a magnadoodle and her first pair of jeans, both of which seemed to go over well. My dad seemed simultaneously mystified and impressed with his new iPod Shuffle and my mom has been reading the books I got her, so those seemed to have been a hit too. HIGHLIGHT: Playing Let’s-Throw-Wrapping-Paper-in-the-Air with BestNieceEver. LOWLIGHT: Brother-in-Law was freaking out about being late for the party with the other side of his family so he spent most of the time there looking at his watch.
  • I headed back to my place in the evening and enjoyed a quiet night with my Landlords, exchanging presents and eating Christmas cookies. HIGHLIGHT: Peace and quiet.

FRIDAY

  • Friday afternoon my friends J&J came over with their 3 kids and we had ice cream sundaes and played Apples to Apples. The kids seemed to enjoy the books I got for them but it was clear they weren’t as cool as the seven million other presents they’d gotten in the past few days. J&J are probably going to hate me for the Joke Book I got their middle child– she has taken to reading aloud from it nonstop and the jokes are, well, pretty bad. HIGHLIGHT: It was wonderful just to be with my friends.
  • My parents came over later that evening before heading off to see the show I had gotten tickets for them to see, and then I was off to a Christmas party with the Christmas show people. HIGHLIGHT: My dad called me later just to say he loved the play. I rule!

SATURDAY

  • The Big family party at my Dad’s Cousin’s house. HIGHLIGHT: BestNieceEver was the hit of the party. LOWLIGHT: My Great Uncle cried– he has lost 3 siblings and is so depressed… and no one really knew what to do.
  • After I got back I turned around and went back out to see Urbanblight and some of our old friends from high school. HIGHLIGHT: It was great to talk to them. LOWLIGHT: I wanted more time, and one of our friends seems particularly depressed.

SUNDAY

  • Sunday was my friends J&J’s daughter’s 13th birthday. HIGHLIGHT: The little time with them I had before running off to the next thing. LOWLIGHT: The holiday was really beginning to wear on my at this point.
  • After that party I was off to a reunion of sorts for my high school at a local bar. HIGHLIGHT: Talking to people I really haven’t talked to for ten years. LOWLIGHT: Wishing my Life’s Transition wasn’t the main story I had to tell.

MONDAY

  • Went back to the office and did a bunch of stuff I wasn’t paid for and won’t be sufficiently appreciated for. Cynical? Maybe. But it was my choice and I still feel if I hadn’t done it I’d be worried about those things.
  • Sleep deprived and barely functional I did  something truly crazy. I had the kids I used to babysit– now 12 and 15!– to sleepover. We watched THREE episodes of Quantum Leap, played Scrabble and Apples to Apples, and I somehow managed to stay awake to just past midnight. HIGHLIGHT: They fell in love with my favorite TV show.

TODAY

  • After the girls left I fell back asleep for several hours, despite really needing to tie up a bunch of loose ends at the (former) office of mine. OldBoss sent me an email officially announcing my Replacement, who had confidentially told me of their offer last week. Still sorting out how I feel about all that.
  • Went off to a Holiday Dinner for a scholarship foundation that gave me an award in high school. HIGHLIGHT: Good food. LOWLIGHT: Not really having much to talk about to anyone, except the kid I used to babysit– who’s now more than a foot taller than me and in seminary school. I feel old.
  • And now, back at my parents’, where BestNieceEver is sleeping over as well.

 

So yeah. Kinda tired. Somehow supposed to go to two parties TOMORROW too. We’ll see if the weather– and my stamina– cooperates.

August 2, 2008

I’m happy

Filed under: Good Moodiness — me @ 2:48 am

It’s been a long time since I could say that unequivocally. I’m emotionally high from the past few days as we’re wrapping up our summer program here. I’m swimming in my own joy and adrenalin all of a sudden, and at the same time there is a relief seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to hold onto this feeling, bottle it, enjoy it for as long as it chooses to last. Next week may be a challenge but then I have a whole week off and can sleep as late as I want, do whatever I want– it just sounds wonderful. Yay for those times when your heart swells and you find some peace within, even if it lasts a just little while.

March 5, 2008

Mercury must be out of retrograde…

Filed under: Business, Good Moodiness, Personal — me @ 3:14 am

Ucellina had her babies yesterday. A little boy and a little girl. I think I’m slightly jealous. On the other hand, I’m sure if I’m ever faced with the prospect of recovering from a C-section and setting about to raise twin infants I would probably call such envy crazy.

Things are doing okay. I’ve actually had a really productive couple of days at work lately and its kind of been nice after a long stretch of the frustrating-sort-of-busyness and a lot of tension in the office. The tension is still there but I work around it and get left alone enough to breathe a little. It is not perfect, but it is manageable and that’s a lot.

The repair people broke my office phone (well actually the rats from days gone by had chewed through my telephone cord almost to breaking and the man was silly enough to pull too hard and make it official…), which I have LOVED because the thing that makes me craziest in my office is a constantly ringing phone. Newest Office Manager sends a lot of phone calls my way that her predecessors would have fielded themselves, and the interruptions make me crazy. As I’ve probably said before I think I have a short term memory problem– or at least an insufficient short term memory as compared to my stellar long term memory. So little interruptions like ringing phones seem to put me into a disarray at times, constantly trying to remember what it was I was doing before the phone rang. That somewhat valid excuse aside, however, I do have a sneaking suspicion that my lack of interest in the phone lately has a bit of social inhibition  at play too though. After years of being anti-texting I’ve now become a full fledged textaholic, and I’m sure it has as much to do with an unwillingness to connect with people in so intimate a manner as real-time talking, as with any actual usefulness I find with the technology. I’m a little cautious, a little more into myself these days I suppose.

I realized the past day or two what it really is that has been bothering me about my job and about the question of whether or not to leave it (and if so, how soon). Having poured myself into something that had value, something that I ultimately believed in– it’s extremely difficult to see it trivialized by people I respect. And people I respect have continually looked at this particular NonProfit and found it just a little fucked up. We have our good days and our bad days, and we certainly have our fans and supporters. But for quite a long time, on an organizational level, there has been a disconnect between what we profess to be and what our reputation is. I knew this going in, but I wanted to be part of a turn-around in that department– and maybe part of what I’ve been struggling with is a sense of failure that I didn’t make enough of an impact to change this Place into something respectable, even admirable.

So I’ve renewed the ArtSEARCH subscription, and investigated various Ed.D. programs, and tossed the Peace Corps ideas again. I don’t know where I’m going or what is next, but it’s becoming more clear that a change will need to be made.  In the mean time, time to start planning a road trip to see someone’s Babies of Awesomeness.

October 9, 2007

Happy Mood

Filed under: Good Moodiness — me @ 4:20 am

BestFriendfromCollege had a baby girl this afternoon, AAC. I’m so happy for them. I’m hoping to get out there to see them (she lives out of state), maybe this weekend– we will see.

I had a good weekend hanging out with the girls I used to babysit. They’re almost-11 and 14 now, but their parents were out of town all weekend so basically I just slept over, ate their food, and made sure neither of them took up smoking over the past two days. We just played Scrabble and watched a lot of Colbert Report (how many sixth graders you know think that’s a great way to spend a Friday night?!)– they’re pretty self sufficient these days. C, the  almost-11-year old, was actually camping with a friend for a good part of the weekend so mostly it was just me and A– which was REALLY pretty awesome. For some time now A has been in that place where her friends and her interests kind of seem to trump everything– there’s definitely a sense when I come over to visit there that I don’t really have her all to myself, and I’ve felt for awhile that really I have to make an appointment with her to really spend the time. She’s online a lot now so instant messaging seems to be a better locale for our relationship sometimes (I get more dirt on her that way than her parents do anyway), and I pretty much take what I can get. She really is staggeringly awesome. Outside of corrupting her with my bachelor existence of sleeping late on a Sunday and surfing the web (which is pretty much her existence on a weekend anyhow), we went to a great local festival and talk a lot more than we had in a long time. When she was little she was an intense and emotional kid, and it’s kind of interesting seeing how much she’s relaxed into herself. She’s definitely a teenager– and has a confidence and level of comfort in that role that I never did at her age. I got to play big sister a little and it was really cool. It was funny, walking around the festival searching for popcorn– I just fell in love with her again. I have a clear memory of the first time I fell in love with her, when she was 4 years old on the 4th of July, also in the midst of a noisy festive crowd. We had just seen some fireworks and were going back to her parents car and I was chasing her, catching her and tickling her, and she would say “stop!” and then “Again! Again!” — and then we would get up and I’d run after her some more. And I’ve always remembered the way the moon shone on us that night and how her face lit up laughing as I chased her. And here, more than nine (!) years later I still love the very essence she has always been, then and now– but I also love this person she’s becoming.

I have been so blessed with certain connections to people in my life.

So. Between a relatively restful weekend and my BestFriendfromCollege’s news, I guess tonight I have some perspective on things. Work is it’s own up-and-down self, and so is my view on my life it seems. But I’ll take the endorphins while I can get ’em. Life is good tonight.

September 20, 2007

Someone AWESOME is 6 months old today!

Filed under: Best Niece Ever, Good Moodiness, Sister — me @ 3:33 am

Thinkin’ about where I was six months ago. Sister and Brother-in-Law have made it! Six months down, only the rest of their lives to go! I love that BestNieceEver of mine. In honor of her (and their) first six months I thought I would share six reasons why she’s so great.

1.  She makes my parents happy. Not like happy-my-rent-check-cleared-happy or happy-I-just-ate-a-good-meal-happy, but happy-so-much-I-can’t-help-myself-happy. It’s been really something to see my parents, in the way they play with her, talk about her when she’s not there, and eagerly await her return. She reminds me why I love them.

2. She explores the world up until she falls asleep. She has sharp nails, which we have to be careful about, but Dad told Brother-in-Law how he once accidentally cut Sister’s finger and now he’s scared to cut them. Just before she falls asleep she scratches on her Pack-and-Play in different rhythms until she fades to sleep. Maybe she thinks she’s a cat.

3. She lets Dog lick her feet. Dog lives to be a good babysitter for her and paces around after you if she  cries. You can tell she knows she’s making Dog’s day.

4. She still likes to stick out her tongue for no reason sometimes. (When she doesn’t think she’s a cat I guess she thinks she’s a frog.)

5. She’s very snuggly.

6.  She’s doing a great job teaching two novices how to be parents. Believe me, I’m sure it’s a thankless job, but she’s got em trained real good. Who knew?

I also realized today that this is the start of the last six months of my twenties. Put that way, I feel old. But it also gives me some perspective that maybe I need. When I’m old and gray (but not wrinkled, cuz as we all know the lone benefit of my hideous sun allergy is I’m going to have great skin as an elderly person)– I wonder what I will think I should have done with this last bit of my twenties. Somehow I think that that Next Me would have some mild disapproval for staying up late at work every other night. And This Me isn’t feeling too approving of it either, actually. Something to think about. I don’t buy into the whole Oh-God-I’m-X-Years-Old thing generally, and I certainly know that I am young and that there are always possibilities and new adventures to be had when I want them. But given the opportunity to make a certain moment in life special– what will I do? What would you do?

BestNieceEver has some plans for the next six months. I hope I come up with some things that are almost as cool as hers.

August 17, 2007

I’m really happy but I might explode

Filed under: Business, Good Moodiness, Personal — me @ 2:43 am

I had an amazing day at work today. One for the record books. When I’m slightly less mentally fried I’ll try to go into some details but the short version is — suddenly it seems like practically everything I ever wanted just got handed to me, and it’s wonderful but WOW. I’m caught between hyper-excitement and total relief and complete paralysis to think of the responsibilities I am taking on. Not exactly the responsibility of the job, although clearly that’s part of it– more like… suddenly having the responsibility to see certain dreams come true and find out if that is the success I imagined. I understand why sometimes people are so afraid to be happy.

Multiple people have commented on how happy I am lately– and its a nice compliment to hear that I’m brightening up their room or whatever, but of course it highlights how often my day to day interactions with people present the Overwhelmed, Drained, Perpetually Down Me. Today I am grateful for my blessings and a little curious how long they will last– or how long I will recognize them as blessings, at least.

July 26, 2007

Wow is this is a good mood?

Filed under: Business, Good Moodiness, Workaholism — me @ 11:02 pm

It’s ten of seven and I’ve been home for an hour already. It’s so weird! This week has been one event after another and it’s a rare thing in July to get home before 7 or 7:30. I sent an email to the seemingly-emotionally-stable-eHarmony-guy to see if he wanted to see Bourne Identity (I meant Ultimatum, or  Gargantuan  or whatever it is they’re calling it)  but never heard back. Now I know, you will all say– pick up the phone and call. Which is what I just said to myself, but I chickened out because I’m afraid if I say “Hi, it’s me…” he won’t immediately know who I am (since it’s been two months since we’ve been able to even go out) and that would be awkward. Yes it’s dumb. I promise to work on this stuff in August. Really.

I was supposed to see the Doc today but I forgot. Sigh. Money down the drain, but I think today was actually the first day this week I didn’t feel this sense of “Man gotta see her soon…” The whole saving-children-from-kidnapping thing took quite an emotional toll for a few days there, plus of course it’s the end of the program so I’ve been steeling myself for post-mortem-type comments about all the things I should have done differently. I have a little perspective today– for the first time, it seems, in a while– and I think for all the troubles, I’ve been a part of something special for some great kids this summer, and I have a lot to be proud of. I HAVE had my workaholic moments, but I’ve been a lot more aware of them as “episodes” rather than as “lifestyle” necessarily, and I’ve been able to delegate a few things and survive.

Maybe today I realized that it’s almost over. And as fast as it came, I’m ready for it to be done. I’m ready for my August of (relative) relaxation, to play with BestNieceEver and finally conquer my laundry crisis. Let’s all cross our fingers and hope it works out that way.

June 20, 2007

Eleventh Grade, in which I become something of a teenager three years late

Filed under: Friends, Good Moodiness, Memories — me @ 8:22 am

Junior year was the year I swore for the first time. Actually, there are three times I can remember swearing– it happened so rarely that I actually remember them individually. The first was at Friend’s Party after a Semiformal for the Arts School. I didn’t go to my regular school’s prom but I went to these semiformals junior and senior year and I’m sure loved them more than I ever would have the prom. At any rate, at this particular after-party, I was being teased for never swearing and someone said “Just say shit.” To which I responded, “I don’t have anything to say shit for.” Suddenly realizing my mistake, I collapsed to the floor embarrassed while everyone else laughed.

The second was a particularly intense day of Tech week for that revue I was co-directing. I remember gathering Urbanblight and some friends cermoniously in the hallway, totally stressed and wanting to blow off steam– to utter the word “Fuck.” I guess you had to be there.

The third was extra special. Friend was graduating after having spent the year together in classes and performing, and I had grown pretty attached. He said that what he wanted for his graduation was to hear me say “Eat shit you motherfucking cocksucker.” Uccellina was a witness, so she can attest that I am not making this up. Suffice it to say, I said it and it actually made him cry.

Eleventh grade was also the year I saw my first R-rated movie– Pulp Fiction, no less– with all my “legal” friends on my 17th birthday. No I’m not kidding. We made an event of it and I was only slightly traumatized by it.

After that I pretty much returned to my Puritanical ways until college, but those incidents, in highlighting my abstinence in all areas of being less-than-perfect, helped to solidify my identity in a way, in that “innocence” was an identity. I was never moralistic– I had no judgement on how others were living their lives, but for some reason my expectations for myself were just this side of Amish. But somehow I had found a way in my artsy group of misfits and counter-culture loving teenagers who made a point of being “different” that that just happened to be what was different about me, and as long as I was sweet about it and didn’t tell them THEY couldn’t sleep around, it was cool. Having taken on that identity I became more comfortable in my own skin around then, and really started to care as much about hanging out with friends as I did about school or shows.

And hang out I did. I spent a lot of time hanging out in parking lots, which is what you do in a state that doesn’t provide much else for teenagers to do with their time. (I actually also remember we were so bored one night that we wandered around a grocery store. Our communities were so lucky to have such good kids like us that were turning to produce rather than drugs and looting like normal unstimulated adolescents.) The Ground Round Parking lot was our favorite but it was soiled as a hang out the first time a major fight erupted. There was a time when driving through my fair state that I had a memory of some fight my friends had at practically every fast food restaurant parking lot I came across. Usually the fights were spearheaded by the girls, who were jealous of each other a good deal of the time.  I by no means mean to imply that Urbanblight was faultless but I think its fair to say that he was often a victim of his own 16 year old guy idiocy, surrounded by women (who knew?) that sometimes just totally baffled him.

But that aside, my social life was now, and for the first time, a really important part of my to do list. I was still working hard in school and spending my summers working at theatre camp followed by three hour rehearsals in the evenings– but now afterwards and each weekend I was off to eat Cinnamon Dippers and salty popcorn for as long as we all could get along. I convinced Urbanblight to audition for the Arts school and he was accepted, and I happily looked forward to the socializing and academics, if not the college searches and finality of Senior Year.

March 20, 2007

Filed under: Best Niece Ever, Good Moodiness, Sister — me @ 3:08 am

I’m officially an aunt. Overall, I think it’s pretty cool. Sister was very concerned about having one of those Ugly Babies but let me tell you, she had nothing to worry about. My niece rocks. And I won’t ever have trouble remembering her birthday, cuz as Silligirl knows its only the most important awesome day of the year. I happen to know Uccellina took it off on general principle, and I fully encourage the rest of you to do the same forever after. Personal days all around, the new law of the land is March 19th is officially a day of rest.

Many other things to say but too sleepy now to put together much of a sentence, so have to tend to that later. Hooray for new lives in the world.

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