It’s been a long week. Today I rolled out of bed at my parent’s house, gratefully ate their food, and rushed over for my early morning staff meeting. I was at my parents’ house for the second or third night that week. There are two major reasons I go to my parents’ house to sleep over. 1.) They have food, and 2) They are closer to work so if I’m working outrageous (and I mean outrageous) hours late into the evening and too tired to drive the 20 minutes back to my place, I go there. There are other reasons, of course, but when it comes down to it, this is why I spend as much time there as I do.
My allergies were bothering me. I didn’t have any Claritin handy. I had run out of Effexor the day before and hadn’t been able to fill the prescription because it was hanging on my refrigerator in my apartment, which I hadn’t been to in two days. Effexor appears, from as best I can judge these things, to be a perfectly fine drug in most ways. I guess it works as well as the Zoloft I took for so long, and I believe it has less of a tiring impact on me, which is the main reason I switched. The problem with Effexor is not when I’m taking it but when I miss a dose. The doctor tells me it has a shorter half-life than Zoloft, which is a term I may have vaguely understood for 10 minutes in high school chemistry. Simply put, it means that missing dose puts me into withdrawal. I have massive stomach cramps. I have tremors. I get really hot and dizzy. While Doctor assures me that this withdrawal is not actually depression, I certainly am not of fan of my life when this happens.
I went in to work today for this early meeting despite it being my day off. Back in July there was a week I had to work 6 days in a row and I filled out the paperwork to “trade a holiday,” basically saying I should get a day off to replace the one I deserved from that week. My boss approved and for reasons I don’t remember, my new day off in early August ended up not working out because some pressing project at work came up. Diligently trying to advocate for myself, I filled out new paperwork for a second new-day-off for later in August, on a day that both OldBoss and So-Awesome-Office-Manager were also off enjoying vacation days they wanted to use up. NewOfficeManager was on her own that Friday and no one had put any money aside for a community service crew that was coming in on that day. It was also clear within minutes that she had little idea of what projects needed attention from said community service crew– I got a call early in the AM, came in, and then filled out paperwork a THIRD time, this time for this weekend.
Usually when we have classes during the school year I’ve been taking Fridays and Sundays off. We have no classes on Saturday this weekend because of Yom Kippur, so I thought this would be the perfect time for a 3 day weekend. Unfortunately, I realized too late that I had double-booked myself for a staff meeting scheduled for Thursday. I was supposed to see Doctor, and I’ve been pushing myself not to miss that. I apologetically told NewBoss I had a conflict and she said that was fine as long as I worked out with the rest of the staff another time that we all could meet. Long story short, today, early AM was the only time that worked for everyone else.
So. Had minor insomnia sleeping at my parent’s. Came in cranky and sleepy, had staff meeting. Set about to leave. Realized there was a contract I had to drop off to one of our schools and decided to drop it off on my way back home. Went to do that, saw that there was a problem with the contract, which required me to spend 45 minutes there and then return to fix it at work in order to make sure it wouldn’t delay when my favorite Cash-Flow-Disabled-NonProfit could get paid. Then realized that one of our other programs, 40 minutes away, would have a major check available if I could go out in the afternoon and pick it up. Filled out the Okay-No-Really-My-Day-Off-Is… Paperwork for the third time.
Since I was already at work, stopped in at a meeting and was asked about our past marketing strategy– and then had to explain that how OldBoss had never had any such thing, trying to tell myself that the incredulous looks were a statement against Him and not against Me. Listened to NewBoss explain that our Cash-Flow crisis is due to having fewer students this summer, which is not the case– we actually had more kids than the year before, it’s just clear the income wasn’t handled competently. At this meeting a question about some Sensitive Paperwork came up and long-story-short I found a document that outright proves that OldBoss lied on official paperwork to cut costs in ways that could get us in Lots and Lots of Trouble.
Had lunch at a restaurant with Friends. Food was 40 minutes late, then so jumpy that I wolfed down half of it but couldn’t eat the rest. Had to jump back into my car to get to that check at the school 40 minutes away. Found out upon arrival that I had misunderstood and check was not actually availablle today. Also discovered (long story) that one of my Teachers was pulling out of the program and that I needed to entertain 12 first and second graders for the next hour. Unhappily drove home, stopping briefly on the side of the highway to throw up my lunch, trying to focus enough to make sure I’m not speeding outrageously when all I can think of is getting home quick enough to get that Damn Prescription before I completely am incapable of the drive to get it. My life is a test of endurance and I live it trying to squeak out “just a little more” on a near constant basis.
When I have a day like today, it’s like a really bad hangover when a drunk says Oh God Never Again. I Can’t Do This To My Body Anymore. I Can’t Put My Health and Safety in Danger Like This Anymore. Fuck Everything I Have to Change. And then I cry into my pillow as I try to force myself to relax into my sleepy collapse, because I don’t really have faith that change is possible.